Emergency!
Wednesday, September 08, 2004
  AAAAAGH!!
So, initially the first day of school was good. Got a little anxious about time on the bus, as I've never gone through early morning rush hour before, but otherwise, arrived to first class unscathed. First classroom is really nice, with a great view. First prof on the other hand, not so cool. She must have talked about herself for the whole class. Now, I'm all about hearing about your educational accomplishments, but since when has running around videotaping skater boys counted as educational research. I realize skaters make a very definate sub-group, but it just sounded so lame when she was talking about it. I also noticed that when addressing students, she liked to use terms like, "the young", or "the youth" (i.e. "When you are addressing the youth, it is best to ...I find...") No wonder I hated all my junior high teachers--they talked to us like that. If someone is condescending to me, I shut them out. Also, she made a fairly beautiful generalized remark about how people that lived at home while they went to school were lame, and obviously incapable of being independent in any way. Some people, yes, some people no. Anyways, lets just leave it at "your first impression is hurting me."

Afterwards, as a result of magnifying dread throughout the class, I ran down to the secondary ed folks, and discovered, no, I cannot take this "you ignorant but adorable girl" without the rest of the ITP junk. As it stands now, I need another course in this semester, and an entirely rehashed winter semester. Now. However, this "shifting ass on the second day of class" thing seems to be becoming a regular occurence, so I think it should be ok. I'll make up for all the lame classes I took out of convenience with my second degree hopefully. No one ever said my life was boring, or intelligently led for that matter.

I had a rather good afternoon after class however, and my sour mood was lifted momentarily by a good little lunch time chat with Fenton, although the clouds sort of closed in when we went for headshots. I hate having my picture taken with a deathly passion. Half of me was screaming for a farm animal instead, but I realized that this is cowardly, and that really, if I vow to maintain always that looks aren't important, I have to stop making a big deal of it and bite the bullet when it comes to all this photography shit. I don't make a good conversationalist when I get all fretty over photo sessions though. The photographist was like, "ok, big smile now", and I sadly informed her that my little optomistic grimace was as good as it would get. I am mortified of showing my teeth in pictures. Of showing my teeth in a smile. I am mortified of being in front of the camera. I love being behind a camera, always have, but as is the trend of my life, I'd rather be the subjecter than the subjected.

This brings me to the thing that has been on my mind constantly for the last three days. And very distractingly so. I haven't really been able to focus on much, and very asinine things have been coming out of my mouth I feel. I think there are still little insecurities about returning to school (some of which were unfortunately validated today), and other things in my life that have just compounded together to depress me a little bit. Firstly, my self esteem has been down the shitter lately, and I can't stop these stupid teenage self-degrading things from coming out of my mouth. They just sort of fly out before I can stop them, like little leather winged monkeys going after Dorothy, and I sit there immediately after and wish I could take them back, because I don't want people to think that I'm like this all the time. And I don't know why I'm like this right now. Self-esteem issues seem so very high school. Usually, I am very confidant in myself, embarrasssingly so, because sometimes I don't realize I'm doing something stupid or making an ass out of myself until I go all retrospective on something. But I didn't mind being like that, just as long as I wasn't annoying, and I didn't piss someone else off, and I wasn't being a selfish attention hog.

I'm just tired of all this crap with mr. pink. Well, more like, the lackthereof. At least if I had a problem to sift through and solve, I'd know if I was standing on terra firma, or aether. So of course insecurity leads me to blame myself, because there is nothing else substantial in my mind to blame. And I hate that I'm being like this. And I hate that I don't care anymore. But you'd think that since I don't care, that I'd be back to normal. This means that I do care, and that I'm hurt. And I'm starting to think I don't need the aggravation of uncertainty, or uncommital non-chalance. What burns my ass is that there is no alternative to the current arrangement. Nothing rational anyways. Secondly branding my pooper is that he's fucking taking advantage of me. And I'm letting him. No one is allowed to take advantage of me. Or has been allowed. And I hate that he seems to do it so easily. And I wonder if I set myself up for all this shit, and start thinking I'm just better off being alone, because it begins to become unfair on my side, because I let my mind wander to perhaps more viable options, and entertain things I should not even think about in my current state of having absolutely no knowlege of anything in relation to the status of my so-called relationship.

Unrelated: I have a great article on the ropes for le Papier, thankyou Jordan Blatz, you big teddybear hearted schlub. And I say 'schlub' with every affectionate intonation of the word possible.



 
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