going to shit and all that
I've felt kind of rootless all week. I don't know what to do with my time when I have it, which is seldom. The newest thing is that I have less time because I am now the pro-bono babysitter of 'the lad' on sixteen quite often. Both Bento and I have been taking part in the psuedo-guardianship whenever it occurs though, and it has been enjoyable, but I'm definately not used to having to think of stuff to do with a little kid. And funding all that, on top of which. Although Bento splurged for ice cream the other day, which was tres cool.
Been writing. Been brooding. Been mulling over my life and starting pointless arguments that end badly with people I do actually care for--and weakly repairing them. I feel like I'm pulling into myself more in the last few days...which is short for increasing bad levels of not caring about much of fuck all right now. But I do care, that's the stupid part, I just have realized I'm not particularly adept at showing that I care about much of anything. Go me! Well, except for myself I suppose, probably too much, in fact.
Plus, the 'haunting fear' just won't leave me. No matter how much I insert myself with false bravado, I can't shake the knowlege that I will not find anyone for myself. And I know that I shouldn't care, and I try desperately not to care, but it just doesn't work, because I suppose there's always a niggling wondering of "if I stop caring completely, then it definately just won't happen ever." Which leaves me to incorrect and stupidly hopeful thinking about one particular ex, and tiny tugging feelings of bereftness. I just can't beat the whole idea of how distinctly weird of a person I am...how too weird I am to possibly find anyone that I could love, and be loved by in return. I promise to stop ranting about this. I just don't know how to stop it from making me sad.
My co-worker proudly announced that she was emo today. It was bizarre, because she described herself as "genuinely emo...the first wave of emo anyways, because there were three waves of emo, you know?" I'd just never thought of that before.
The Heartless Bastard and I went to a show tonight by a band called Omis (I think). I wasn't thoroughly impressed with the whole thing at first. In fact, the overall band, excluding the bass guitarist and lead guitarist, was pretty geriatric, and it frightened me to see them rocking out and jumping gentiley around the stage, because it wasn't like 'reckless sexy rock n' roll' because there was such a conscious effort to not over do it and sprain something or trip.
See: Hop, hop hop...tiny step, Hop hop hop, halted fist raising. Look at me, I'm so PUNK RAWKS.
However, the lead female vocalist had an incredible voice, which compelled me to buy a cd at the end of the show. Due to my connections to the photog though, I got a free one. Sweet. She was funny though, because she had all these gangsta hand moves she'd flash when she sang, despite all appearances to appear as a sultry slutty punk-glam star. It turns out she gives voice lessons on the southside somewhere. And now I can see why, she does have an amazing voice.
The update on my summer vacation is that my brother offered to buy my plane ticket if I refused to go to Tofino, and instead settled to spend a week with them whereupon after the week was up, he would drop me off at Chute Lake with the Sprite so I could vacation there for a week by myself. Compromise compromise compromise. I agreed, because really, despite my little pipe dream of camping on the seaside, this will do. I'm not going to complain about a free plane trip. I will crank the tunes in the little trailer, and camp beside the lake. My brother has also offered to teach me how to dirt bike, which I have to admit, I'm excited about. Reckless endangerment = go!
The last day of Geek Palace is looming. I will miss it I fear. The staff was good. Probably the most agreeable and likeable staff I've worked with in a long time. I also got a call from 2nd Cup for an interview, which is intriguing, although admittedly I am having a problem with the thought of giving up working at the deli. Oh my heart. I don't know. I'm going to at least go for the interview though, because no matter how my heart feels about the whole thing, the pros outweigh the cons if I got the job. Sellout that I am. It worries me that the meaningless job of barrista-girl would just add to the already large void of boredom and apathy that engulfs me. I'm so resisting the emo onomatopeia right now. I could just scream, honestly.
¶ 12:32 AM2 comments
Thursday, August 10, 2006
I have to admit....nothing has been going on of note. I dislocated my knee again on Sunday, but really have just been doing nothing but the usual sort of thing past working and hanging out with virtually no one, which is a shame, because I do have more time lately to be doing so.
The little cat and I went to the vet's office yesterday, and discovered that she's gained one pound and three ounces in the two or three weeks since the last visit. Again, her vaccinations made her a little ill and anti-social, and I fretted, but was woken up at 6 a.m. by the Hanna Monster vying for attention and obviously back to normal.
My declaration of independence against all humans with penises still sticks, although admittedly there have been attempts at boys throwing sticks in my bike spokes to throw me off. But, I remain impervious, and oddly content with the lot that my cat will keep me company until my death, whereupon there will be someone around me to devour the body before I smell up the place. I jest, in all honesty, but I've really realized that I simply do not have the patience or the time for the "relationship" entanglements right now. And, I suspect I lack the maturity, but that is neither here nor there, and developing. On the other hand though, I don't anticipate I'll be taking any 10 year old vows of celibacy. I'm not about being celibate I've realized, and certainly not above being promiscuous, although cautiously so. Being slutty is awesome.
I've realized lately that I'm really still wobbily on being consistantly mature and confident. Although, despite the temporary and short term knee crippling, I've never felt as confident and capable of anything as I do now. I feel so much more aware of the bigger picture that I seem to have denied myself for the last year or so. Growth? I think so. Leaps and bounds of it. It seems like now is the point past heavy introspection upon last year where the evaluation culminates into the end product. I'm becoming a much better end product of me for now, I've realized, though this isn't a process that ever really stops occurring in life.
Well, now that the touchy-feely junk is over with...I still cannot think of the old le boy without going "oh my god was I a fucking idiot." It's funny, because the things I did that effectively ended the relationship were completely retarded, but I wouldn't have changed the "ended the relationship" part for anything. The more I think about it now, the more I realize it was a completely unsustainable thing, unless I were to...compromise myself into someone who was happy being 100% caring for the other person, and content with not being cared for in return.
One other revelation I've had recently is, holy fuck....I am an intellectual artistic person. I need intellectual artistic stimulation. I don't need it from other people, but I need to be able to do it and feel that it is important and vital to my character, because it's part of my character. It's who I am to make messes with words and paint.
Blah blah blah. Touchy feely stuff. Bento and I followed some Wiccans around tonight, and ended up following some Maori visitors in the end, as we mistook them for the Wiccans we'd originally started following. There is a hella awesome conference going on at the Crowne Plaza right now...something along the lines of International Healing of Aboriginal peoples. I've been meeting lots of interesting travellers in the convenience store as a result, as well as Geek Palace.
News with Geek Palace....I'm putting in my two weeks notice next Wednesday I think. It's done-- jumped the shark as they say in "the biz"-- and I think that booking off time for le vacation will just be a huge hassle if I don't just quit. I can't sustain two jobs while doing the practicum anyways, so it all works out. I will miss working there though, so the quitting-letter will be worded in such a way that maybe I'll be permitted to come back eventually. Although, even with all the uncertainty of the future at this point, it doesn't actually seem that likely that I'll go back there.
I have to start planning my vacation. I know I'm going to Tofino, but in all the reading that I've done, my interest has been piqued by a little place called Bamfield, accessible by logging road and right next to another section of Pacific Rim National park and Long Beach. There's a little campsite that has on-beach sites that I'm going to look into. After talking with a co-worker at GP today I also decided I'm going to get a library card before I go and stock up on books before i go, as you can take out books for three weeks apparently, which would be perfect. Books, beach, and solitude. I have a plug in iPod charger now, which is also double my fun. I'm also bringing my dad's old camera to McB's tomorrow to get it fixed (hopefully) before my trip, because the Canon is being wonky lately. It turns out that my grandfather penned in the instruction pamphlet that the battery "has to be replaced on March 1st, 1978." Yeah, I'm going to have to get on that. No wonder the lightmeter hasn't been fucking working, and I've fucked over like three rolls of film. Plus, I have a polarizer lens on the Nikon, so if I feel the urge to take tidal pool pictures (read: still obsessed with nature after all), I'll be able to do it without having stupid tourist picture water glare.
¶ 1:20 AM0 comments
Monday, August 07, 2006
The week has been swell. I've finally come to the warm little epoch that I'm fine without being in another relationship ever again. I have been in this epoch before, and it was likewise pleasant, other than a few days of the month where really, a hug would suffice.
Also....I've been decidedly absent from the intar webs, and I have to say, much like a lot of other people, I'm enjoying it. Wintertime is the cabin-fever-love-thy-computer-quietly-and-shamefully time, not summertime. I realized today though, after an embarrassing episode at the drugstore, that I very seldomly have been getting into the actual sunlight. I think if I wake up early enough tomorrow, that I will go for a walk. Because the sunlight is startling to me lately on the walk to Staples. Pretty much six weeks and counting since I've had my last day off. Not to mention the rain, which also puts a damper on things. Damper. HA bitches, whut.
I have been to a few of the...how you say, "punk shows" in Edmonton lately. Surprisingly, I thought my punk-lovin' alter-ego had died, and all I had left after that was a cool belt, but no, I loves the punk show. New City has had a few oppurtune shows featuring multiple bands with cheap doors, so I went to one of those with questionable company. And the majority of it was very rad. I love watching moshpits. Freakin' hilarious.
¶ 2:18 AM0 comments