Thursday, April 27, 2006
  The sound of a Telus deal that didn't get delayed

Ohhhh ipod, you came and you conquered my country
And you sold my body to slavery
Oh ipod,
You're white
And you store lots of music
And you're the embodiment of everything awesome...

I get my new ipod on Sunday. I should feel mildly disgusted at the very least that I will become one of the "pod people", yet I'm harkening the new earphones, and much more storage space with childish glee.

Conversation with aunt:

"Oh, your pod thingy came today in the mail. I forgot to bring it [BUH??]. How about I wake you up too early on Sunday to go rollerblading, and I'll bring it then."

If that's how you want to play this game of manipulation...then fine. So be it. Eat my ball-bearinged dust lady, because I'll be there.

In all honesty, I haven't seen her for a while. The ipod isn't that big of a factor to go hang out with her. I'd actually given up on the prospect of the ipod weeks ago, and just surrendered to a feeling summed up in, "Zounds, you evil Zlorg, you've thwarted me yet again! But, nonetheless, I will continue to live, because that's what heroes do." She's been kind of down lately, and I figure that getting her oot and aboot with some exercise will get her back on the upswing to happytown again.
If anyone else wants to come, we'll be meeting at my place at 11:00 am on Sunday. Bring yer blades, and a hint of awesomeness undeserving of the early morn that is only rendered in a hangover. Because hangovers and rollerblading are fun.
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
  The streets hath no mercy
I found out today that my friend Dan (Crazy Dan, as I affectionately have called him in the past) passed away 5 days ago. They found him dead in an alley with his lungs full to capacity with liquid, because apparently the pneumonia didn't go away. It's not all that surprising though, as the illness itself takes a lot out of a regular person who has a regular place to go home to to recuperate, who has regular meals and care, much less someone who had none of the above at all.

The gentleman who told me had known him for years, and knew that Dan was quite fond of me, so he went out of his way to come and tell me today in the store. We reminisced how he was very misunderstood sometimes in the time that he was alive, but out of a lot of people we knew, he had a good heart. And he really did. It didn't matter how bad his luck was, and it was truly awful sometimes, he always had a smile, a joke or a story to tell. So, I'll miss him, but I knew he was suffering. And it sounds funny coming from me, but I really do hope he is in a better place, because he deserves it.

So Dan McMillan, here's to you. I know it's lengthy, but I wrote it a long time ago.

Crazy Dan

I told you
He says
It was crazy…

And it is crazy
This man talking so vastly
So sci-fi at me
In that bleeding together tongue
That only a never really recovered
Post-traumatic stress disorder
Borderline schizophrenia
Trucker of the skyway
Retired mechanic or postal serviceman
Nitroglycerine veined
Cyborg weapon implanted
Wild West Hero
Assassin master “James Bond style”
Emotionally scarred
Abandoned by family and society
Ex-needle junkie
“Who never hurt no one”

Who might have been someone’s grandfather
Who feeds pigeons and magpies
Rolling down the snow-covered roof
To his windowsill
Fat on his mercy
In a mild but unforthcoming winter

Every Friday night I listen
To the colorful living memoirs
To stories of a man hiding scared
In a fantastical realm

Who, like most
Is afraid of dying alone
Silently denying that his body
Thin and jutting
Is crapping out on him
Sure as an automatic Ford is wont to do
Cannot keep on
From decaying in a room at the Y
Strewn with the aluminum stars of his lonely galaxy
Crafted with the slyly emergent creativity
Briefly overshadowing a fumbling manner
Apparent to all but those who listen

Really listen.
Listen to this man whose joy is his imagination
And helping others appreciate the finer things in life

Dan, to be quite blunt
You’re incapable of getting straight to the point
But really
I never know what to tell you either.
I lack in everything but ordinary
And as I raptly listen
Your surreal reality
Becomes true as my mind’s eye sees it unfolding.
Now, I almost wonder if that is what you have in mind
As you pepper me with fiction
Mumbling halfway
Creating segues in the streamlined fashion
Admirable of a mad man

But it is the alacrity
The clarity of the minutiae
This perpetually startles me
Your inward knowledge of Cadillac engines
Greyhound routes
Tractor-trailer hydraulics
Newspaper production
And the names of all the people you’ve ever met
Who have no doubt also been held captive by your stories
As I am now

How Thompson-esque you can be
Though you surpass his brand of revelation constantly
When you start out talking train jumping
End up talking shit about four hits
Of mescaline
Of waking up under a blue Thunderbird
A “broad to the left under the dang ‘ol wheel”
Not knowing where the hell you were
But that it looks like
You had a fun time getting there.

Every time the girl got to know Dan
He discombobulated her every chance he got
As she narrowed down his affliction
Maybe his list of afflictions
He spewed random profundities
In return for her concern
Violating her view with shocking wisdom
With flickering fluorescence of bleak truths

I am always watching your face change
As you listen to me
Mopping the floor as I lift my feet up
Like a small boy waiting for his mother
To finish the grocery shopping
To buy me an ice cream
Like she used to
Your face now, as I have been watching you
Reacts in different ways.
I always know when you are pre-occupied
Or hungry.

“That Chinaman told me yesterday
That you’d been starving for three days
Don’t worry, I brought you a muffin
And fifty dollars that should get you through
Until I get the two million dollars that director owes me
When I was in all those movies with Humphrey Bogart
Man, that guy parties hard—broads all over the place
All shapes and sizes
I remember when him and I, and some of these broads
Real pretty ones
Were drinking and making plans for the shooting of the “Titanic”
These two tough guys came in and stole my cigarettes
Took my whiskey too
And Johnny Cash stood up and just plugged them both
Right in the pie-hole!”

He would laugh
As would I by sheer infection
Hidden amazement

He told me he was there when the Titanic sank
How he was in the water as the ship went down
And how he died by not drowning
But freezing to death
But as always
Reincarnation prevailed
Dan being somewhat of a body snatching
Womanizing, life-wrestling
Of all things combined
That government sponsored commercials
Tell you not to do.

“The buttons were just beepin’ away
An’ all these sirens were going off
And this…oh, robot or ‘summat said
‘That’s not a good idea Dan…
You seen that movie?
Yeah, I was in it,
They put me in all that space crap
And booted me out the door
So the main actor wouldn’t get hurt
By all that junk floating around out there
You know, in space.

They owe me money for that one too
But buddy is in jail,
Edmonton Remand.
I know he’s good for the fifty grand though,
And my AISH should keep me goin’ until he gets out
If I can pay off that bloody overdraft on my bank account…”

When he sees her grin at him over her broom
It makes him smile and forget where he is for a moment
The same way he grins when the starlings peck at his window
Waiting for him to rouse
So they can have his leftover Puritan stew

He smiles the same way he was smiling
When she drove past the CN yard the other day
Seeing him basking in the sun on a lone bench
Telling it was him from the way the sun shone
Through his ears
Shaped like small satellite dishes
Insulated with that particular old man
Ear hair her grandfather had
Up until he passed away from COPD
--Something she suspects Dan will also have
Due to a repertoire of chain-smoked
Unfiltered rollies in perpetual motion
From once hard-working hands
To a miles-wracked odometer mouth
As he sits on that warm bench,
Green parka sleeves rolled up to steadily fragile-becoming wrists
Looking as he should
This god of poetry
Would have made Pound gasp
Speaking in tongues reserved for maniacs
Or a fledgling poet
This god of bursting en scene
Like he owned the place
Making a scene and breaking it
Always leaving laughter
Mirthful or malevolent in his wake
With the finesse and grace
Selective only to the impervious.

“I said what I told you just now
Because I don’t understand you
You’re too…too concerned with the negativity
Of your customers
Because I’m always here watching,
Watching your back you know,
And I see…
See how you are with the bad ones.
So, I’m telling you this
Told you that,
For your own good…
I don’t want to see you snap
And kill one of those crazy fuckers
You’re just too guided by the man
Behind the eight-ball, you know?
Don’t let them get you so damn angry
It makes me nervous to see you like that.”

I should crow now
That I make Dan nervous
Like the security guard and the super were
When they saw him here
Hour after hour
Coffee after coffee
Smoke after smoke
But I feel intense guilt as I look up
Look at him looking at me expectantly

As I read through the lines of three months
Of non-stop stream of conscious stories
Your fiction code was broken then
If only for one pleading second,
And you began to tell me about the birds.
  B to the O-R-I-N-G.

Right now I feel like gouging my eyes out on a piece of 3d conceptual art. Any guesses on why? Oh yeah...because I stalled with the studying again, and now have roughly 12 hours or less to my disposal to study for the final that our professor is essentially trying to cull the numbers of badly smelling art students with. I, as an ed. student, will just be a hapless bystander hit by a stray bullet of Jackson Pollock caliber.

There are so many things I'd rather be doing right now. I've decided that while I've only really been pretending to have money, that I'm going to buy me some new acrylic paints on Wednesday or Thursday. I have until May 8th to go on "le BONANZA CREATIVE" I figure, so I'll make my vacation productive and paint the time away, because I've had all sorts of crazy ideas as of late. Oh, and guess what else...I'll read stuff. For fun. It's going to be amazing.

Still no word from Staples on the status of me getting hired. I figure I'll phone them tomorrow and beg tearfully for a job perhaps. Even better, I could go beg in person, but that might be more degrading. I need work![1]

It's also come to my attention today that I need to go get my mumps vaccination "tested" apparently. My mom, being ever the alarmist on everything biologically hazardous, informed me that this would be a good idea, or I "might die." More honestly, if I got it, I could lose my hearing, which, is important enough that I will disobey my usual skepticism in regards to my mother's paranoia, and go get checked. I will get laughed out of there, as I usually am by listening to her, but, it's worth a shot this time, probably.

Interesting highlight of tonights parental conversation via their speakerphone in their kitchen and I at home:

Mom: "So yeah, if you get the Mumps, it would be awful....Oh yeah, did you make an appointment with the gynecologist yet?? What about the dental guy?"


Me: "MOM...Jesus..."

(muffled laughter from Father figure)

Mom: "Well, I think it's important. You never know what's going on in there."

In other news...I found out that Remedy was hiring, and that I missed the boat on that one. Le suck. That would have been a great place to work.

[1]As seen in the journal today: a homeless man holding a placard that said, "Brad and Angelina are having a baby, and I can't afford the gift." OH HO HO HA HA HA...
Sunday, April 23, 2006
  Three t-rexes. THREE. That's 6 joggers a day, at least.
You know... I just finished watching King Kong (Peter Jackson), and I don't care what anyone says...I cried like a baby who cries like a baby that just got slapped. It isn't the "best movie of all time", but it was way better than I thought it would be.

Today has been a long day, frought with boring, oddness and tiny melodramas. I won't elaborate too much, but I will ask my readers...am I an embarassing person to be around? Do I embarass any of you on a regular basis? And if so, how?

Yeah...just trying to use a blog to solve my life's problems in roundabout lame-fashion.
Saturday, April 22, 2006
  On blown up limbs and missing eyes
People in the street
Ducked for cover
They thought gunshots
From fireworks
Fired from the 26th floor
Fuses lit in shaking hands
At 12:40 in the afternoon
Red and green flares
Falling and reflecting
Between sky scrapers
And no expectation
Of the inordinary.

I will probably never see that again.

This actually did just happen. I don't know what they were thinking...But it was interesting.
Friday, April 21, 2006
  Just shoot it in the heart

This morning, though extremely early, started out really well. As long as there is no talking, mornings usually go ok when they start at 7:00.

Enter the impossible final exam from Hell. I actually studied, and everything actually just ended up falling out of my head. Thus, my exam writing turns into a scenerio of following gut feelings and re-making my own theories of grammar and syntactical applications.

After my exam, I was mollified back into simplicity by saving a yellow-bellied oarsman beetle and throwing it into the Zen pond by SUB. I ended up giving some guy a cigerette in exchange for not stepping on him outside MEC though. Why do engineers have to be such sadistic bastards anyways?

Interesting: I went to Second Cup on the way home, and got a coffee, and the guy that works there....not only gave me a huge deal on a slice of the humongous chocolate cake (yea, I'm feeling pretty sick right now, but it was worth it), but started talking to me afterwards as he wrapped the remnants....and I daresay, he might have been flirting, just a little. It was wierd.

And then, just to cap the weirdness factor off for my day: There is a dude in our building that I always see around, since we moved in, who has always given me an extremely bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. He rarely comes down to the store, and I keep thinking he can't really be bad, and maybe I'm just overreacting, but today, the feeling got worse. If we're in an elevator together alone, I can't wait to get out. Today, he stopped to talk while I was having a cigerette, and basically got way too close to me, and started right in on me with the following conversation:

Him: "How are you doing?"

Me: Good, good...can't complain

Him: So, what are you doing right now?

Me: Oh, well, I'm really tired, so I'm probably going to go have a nap.

Him: Why are you tired? Are you busy right now?

Me: Oh, I had a final this morning...really early

Him: Where is your boyfriend right now?

Me: Uh...not around.

Him: So, are you busy right now? Where's your boyfriend?

Me: Yeah, I'm going to go have a nap, I think.

Him: Why isn't your boyfriend around?

Me: He's just not. He's busy right now.

Him: Do you want to do something with me right now?

Me: No, dude, I'm sort of banking on that nap. What would you want to do anyways that you can't just do on your own. I mean, surely there are lots of things you can do around here for fun?

(I'm getting pissed off at this point, and weirded out)

Him: Well, just something. I have the week off.

Me: Well, there's the art gallery. Hey, you could go see a movie or something.

Him: I want to do something with you, if you'd want it

Me: Like what, a walk or something? I really don't ...I'm really tired man.

Him: Just a walk? Nothing else?

Me: No, maybe a walk some other time. But nothing else. I'm not single, so I don't do the whole 'dating' thing, ok? I'm going to head inside, I think. See you.

Him: I hope I do see you soon. *creepy smile*

OH....I could just shoot men in the heart for these types of conversations. It was very uncomfortable, and I get the impression he's not going to stop hounding me. I'm thinking of just telling him to screw off next time I see him. I am tired of not being able to say no. I keep wondering too, what kind of impression all of a sudden that he's been getting from me...I mean, do I look like the kind of girl who just puts out on the spot? I know the bedroom eyes when I see them, and his are most definately not welcome and way too obvious. If it just seemed harmless though, I don't think I'd have a problem just being all like, "nice try, maybe someone else?" I just hope he doesn't come and bug me in the store. If anything else happens (by all means, tell me if I'm overreacting by the way), I'm going to have to talk to Jim about it maybe, and see if he can do something. The dude knows what floor I live on. I however, know what floor he lives on. So maybe I can two-by-four his door shut or something, and maybe he'll starve or find nirvana in the masturbatory pleasures of the hand. Even compared to the whole episode of Dom and the drunkenness...this guy gives me a way worse feeling than that, and that was even before Dominic.
Monday, April 17, 2006

Man... it's good to be home. I have a final due tomorrow, as well as a job interview and another final on Friday, and oh yeah...I don't know what the hell I'm doing with my relationship (but that I still have managed to try and fuck it up quite nicely).

It's a good note to start all my days on, surely.

BC was really nice, and though I was flip-flopping on it earlier, I think I will go back at the end of the month for a week or so. Hopefully Joel can come with, because I always find that it's so mindless and peaceful there that it's extremely easy to get lonely and bored. Not to mention completely isolated intellectually, unless you enjoy talking about fruit, how to grow fruit, who grows fruit better, or construction.

The baby is no ordinary baby either. She's super baby. Already, she's doing things at two weeks that I'm positive are premature to her age. She's incredibly alert, and she tracks things, and she's incredibly active and smiley, and really good already at holding up her head. And gorgeous, of course. And her pooping-face, makes me laugh my ass off everytime I see it. When I have kids, I hope they're as good as her when they're babies. She rarely cries, and she loves to cuddle. Awesome.
Sunday, April 09, 2006
  Back and Forth
I have one week to think of things to say to my dad for 15 hours of travelling to BC. Ok, not even...only until Thursday. I always have to do this....have some idea of comfortable things to discuss with him. Spontaneous conversation with my father is few and far between sometimes.

This week, has been a tumultuous one for me. I got two new shifts at work, while I've been trying to scheme desperately on how/where to get a second job. If I get a second job, I'll be busier then hell all the time during the summer. If I don't get it....I'm not going to have that much money to do much of anything with, past, you know, living. Also tumultuous is funny sixth grade drama, and pulling a fast one on my linguistics prof as far as handing in extremely cheated-on assignments worth 5%.

My first final is next week, and it's a take-home.

See how awkwardly I've worded all this blog? This was the dialog sort of in the movie we watched tonight. Stilted and obvious, and somewhat eerily done like the world REALLY was full of people having amazingly verbal epiphanies and realizations and funky things to do with objects all the time.

Seriously, the movie was incredible. I'm going to give a little background to the concept of the movie (relational aesthetics) when I get the chance, but right now is not the time, because everything hurts.
Monday, April 03, 2006
  Insane on the membrane that is giving up

I bought Summer Elke a teeshirt today. She should be able to wear it by the time she's a year old. I just couldn't resist it. Babies make you into a compulsive shopper! Visa! No no!

No, my life is not usually so mindless, I just don't feel like recapitulating on things that are obvious to all anyways, constantly, just because it happens over and over and over again and causes me rage issues.

Note: The gorilla (baby) on the silkscreening doesn't really have demonic eyes in real-time. It's just poor pixellation.
Sunday, April 02, 2006
  Nitro-glycerine attack!

So, I realize I've been giving this whole house-sitting gig a lot of knocks, and complaining a lot, but really, it's not so bad. I've actually been enjoying the solitude, and the furry dog that curls up in my lap whenever I sit down. He's been like a permanent shadow since Godzilla left. If I have to go to the bathroom, he sits outside the door and whines until I get out.

In other news, he fell in the toilet bowl (clean) the other day. Coming from a house that very rarely has any seat or lid down, I of course left the lid up, and he's not used to that. End result of "I would freakin' love to watch you brush your teeth from on top of the toilet seat" was not good. [1]

Work was really idyllic today, much more than usual, because of how warm it was. There's a funny nice feeling you get when you can keep the door open and bask in the sunshine while talking to the regulars who gather in front of the store or sit inside. And everyone was in a good mood today because of it, which makes a hell of a difference sometimes, especially on Saturday nights or Friday nights (everyone was in a good mood yesterday too -pay cheques and warm weather- it's really that simple sometimes). Even the crackheads were in a good mood.

I hadn't realized it until this week (on the subject of crack users) for some stupid reason, just how common crack use is downtown. And yet, it was an innocuous thing that tipped me off, though I've had many many other blatant examples presented to me in the past. Every week, my boss buys one "platform" of Bic lighters. You figure 5 rows wide and 20 lighters deep, and that's a lot of fucking lighters. Now, the beauty part about crack is that no one lighter will do if you're truly an addict. Bic, (as someone confided in me) is THE lighter of crack users, because of the "age of the flame" (how long it will stay lit, as well as how long the actual flame is). Anyways...we'll go through 100 lighters to the same 40 people in roughly a week. You might be thinking, "Well, what if they just lost them? I lose my lighter all the time..." More often then not, they throw the same empty lighter they bought the day before in the garbage when they pick up a new one. So yeah, I know I make light of this, and it's not really funny, but, it's so hopeless that all you can do is laugh, and make them laugh when they come in. I was saddened to realize today though, that a guy that I've grown rather attached to lately (he's nice to talk to)is a user. It doesn't change the fact of me enjoying his company, but ...it's hard to watch. And all you can really do when you are a counter girl, is watch. Constantly.

Today I may have done something potentially silly. There is this guy (a regular)(about the age of my dad, maybe a little younger) who has been bugging me to go to the movies with him since November. I've been telling him "no I have a boyfriend" until about December, and he was unphased. I don't think he really wants a date, I have since realized, so much as someone to hang around with. He works, sleeps, and eats, and hangs out by himself most of the time. So, understandably he's lonely, and he's somewhat (albeit humourously) miserly, because he makes major coin at his work and chooses to live at the Y. So today, I agreed to go to the movies with him. He really is a nice guy. He's very quiet and sweet, but you can tell he loves to talk and never gets the opportunity for someone to listen to him. So, yeah. I think it will be fine, hopefully. Plus he's short, so if anything/hand runs afoul, I could totally take him.

[1] That is one large robotic prehistoric beaver!
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