going to shit and all that I've felt kind of rootless all week. I don't know what to do with my time when I have it, which is seldom. The newest thing is that I have less time because I am now the pro-bono babysitter of 'the lad' on sixteen quite often. Both Bento and I have been taking part in the psuedo-guardianship whenever it occurs though, and it has been enjoyable, but I'm definately not used to having to think of stuff to do with a little kid. And funding all that, on top of which. Although Bento splurged for ice cream the other day, which was tres cool.

Been writing. Been brooding. Been mulling over my life and starting pointless arguments that end badly with people I do actually care for--and weakly repairing them. I feel like I'm pulling into myself more in the last few days...which is short for increasing bad levels of not caring about much of fuck all right now. But I do care, that's the stupid part, I just have realized I'm not particularly adept at showing that I care about much of anything. Go me! Well, except for myself I suppose, probably too much, in fact.

Plus, the 'haunting fear' just won't leave me. No matter how much I insert myself with false bravado, I can't shake the knowlege that I will not find anyone for myself. And I know that I shouldn't care, and I try desperately not to care, but it just doesn't work, because I suppose there's always a niggling wondering of "if I stop caring completely, then it definately just won't happen ever." Which leaves me to incorrect and stupidly hopeful thinking about one particular ex, and tiny tugging feelings of bereftness. I just can't beat the whole idea of how distinctly weird of a person I am...how too weird I am to possibly find anyone that I could love, and be loved by in return. I promise to stop ranting about this. I just don't know how to stop it from making me sad.

My co-worker proudly announced that she was emo today. It was bizarre, because she described herself as "genuinely emo...the first wave of emo anyways, because there were three waves of emo, you know?" I'd just never thought of that before.

The Heartless Bastard and I went to a show tonight by a band called Omis (I think). I wasn't thoroughly impressed with the whole thing at first. In fact, the overall band, excluding the bass guitarist and lead guitarist, was pretty geriatric, and it frightened me to see them rocking out and jumping gentiley around the stage, because it wasn't like 'reckless sexy rock n' roll' because there was such a conscious effort to not over do it and sprain something or trip.

See: Hop, hop hop...tiny step, Hop hop hop, halted fist raising. Look at me, I'm so PUNK RAWKS.

However, the lead female vocalist had an incredible voice, which compelled me to buy a cd at the end of the show. Due to my connections to the photog though, I got a free one. Sweet. She was funny though, because she had all these gangsta hand moves she'd flash when she sang, despite all appearances to appear as a sultry slutty punk-glam star. It turns out she gives voice lessons on the southside somewhere. And now I can see why, she does have an amazing voice.

The update on my summer vacation is that my brother offered to buy my plane ticket if I refused to go to Tofino, and instead settled to spend a week with them whereupon after the week was up, he would drop me off at Chute Lake with the Sprite so I could vacation there for a week by myself. Compromise compromise compromise. I agreed, because really, despite my little pipe dream of camping on the seaside, this will do. I'm not going to complain about a free plane trip. I will crank the tunes in the little trailer, and camp beside the lake. My brother has also offered to teach me how to dirt bike, which I have to admit, I'm excited about. Reckless endangerment = go!

The last day of Geek Palace is looming. I will miss it I fear. The staff was good. Probably the most agreeable and likeable staff I've worked with in a long time. I also got a call from 2nd Cup for an interview, which is intriguing, although admittedly I am having a problem with the thought of giving up working at the deli. Oh my heart. I don't know. I'm going to at least go for the interview though, because no matter how my heart feels about the whole thing, the pros outweigh the cons if I got the job. Sellout that I am. It worries me that the meaningless job of barrista-girl would just add to the already large void of boredom and apathy that engulfs me. I'm so resisting the emo onomatopeia right now. I could just scream, honestly.

  ¶ 12:32 AM