The Morning After- Elliot Smith This may come as a shock, but I have been doing a lot of thinking again lately.

I have a friend who I had a horrid nightmare about the other night, and I woke up very sad, because it rang prophetic, and I hate prophecies, because they have the same odds of happening, or not happening- as I see it in my head.

I'm also starting to think that love is really just a big gong show. And I think that I'm developing an unhealthy fear of intimacy as a result. A result of my past, or as a result of not having to care about who I'm intimate and how I'm intimate with them much anymore? When I say this, I am referring in particular to how I can be as uninhibited as hell around any of my gay friends, but revert to frigid nun chum girl around friends of the opposite sex who happen to be straight. I think I may be trying incredibly too hard and ineffectually to be covert here. I've gotten too used to the sexual buffer zone between Mr. Smith, Westjet, and myself. It takes all the steely nerves I have to look Fenton in the eye, much less throw myself awkwardly hugward in his general direction. When I accidently get touched by him, I jump a million miles into the air. It's not that I'm repulsed or anything by him, but I don't know what it is necessarily either. It is the same thing with mr. pink too.

The thought of "doing" anything with anyone right now, even now, mortifies me, and it's horrifying that I don't know why. When I said not too long ago that I used to feel a lot of giddy anxiety about seeing mr. pink, it was a pretty physical feeling, like a flipping stomach, but I don't think it was all that sugar and spice stuff, I think I was wrought with worry about expectations I may not fulfill. This may actually be the root of the problem. I love how I learn things about myself by writing stuff down in long dizzying exploratory paragraphs.

I'm afraid of expectations, I'm afraid of you jumping to conclusions, I'm afraid of intimidating you with my sexuality? I'm afraid of your judgement. I'm scared that I'm not going to be able to be with anyone and be happy. And I'm scared of ending up like Godzilla.

When I took the quiz below, it wasn't as hard to check off "would be comfortable as a hermit- absolutely" as I thought it would be. This doesn't mean hiding out in the moors of Ireland as I once wrote in the days of the boy sabbatical: it just means that I would rather be happy on my own then feel like the piece of shit I seem to constantly feel like when I'm with someone maybe.
  ¶ 12:30 AM