Thursday, October 28, 2004
Offend me. Really. Go right ahead.
It has been a weird day. I love to think I can blame weird days on hormones, but really, all that happens is that I stop being callous and thickskinned for a period of about a week. Little jabs become spearpoints tipped with poison, and thus I become human somehow, by being on the verge of bleeding and not meeting certain demise, for seven days. Being human sucks, and it's a messy job.
First of all....Fenton. I had lunch with him as per usual, and the nitpicky banter picked up as usual, but then I started wondering why we always have these mutually depreciating conversations, which doesn't usually happen when I lose in them. And the mind went crazy with possibilities on why, and each conclusion was worse than the next one. It makes him feel better to depreciate others? It makes me feel better to depreciate him? Are we mutual eg0-murderers? In anycase, we talked about it, and I took the easy way out by blaming hormones, but really, it has to do with a balance somehow not achieved on his end. I could call him a litany of things having to do with anatomy, in a derogatory manner one day, but at the same time, he knows I value him as a friend. On the flipside though, I just don't know, nor have I ever really known anything as far as..."well, he showed up for lunch today (or some other activity) so I guess that might mean something."
But does it? I think Fenton is an awesome person, and I've always thought so, but I also don't think he necessarily needs me around.
I need your blood. Or a kidney. Or your soul. Hell, give them all up.
More specifically, neediness as a control mechanism: One friend I have is totally giving me a lot of grief lately. Grief to the point where I am later constantly saying bad things about him to other friends. It's been the story of our friendship where he will phone out of the blue no matter what I may be doing at the time, and expect me to talk to him for an indeterminate amount of time. Most specifically, listen to him, for an indeterminate time. If I voice something that may or may not be going alright/bad in my life, in the hopes of finding someone to talk to about it (this is a hopeless endeavor with most of my friends though I realize) he'll just ignore it and talk more about himself, like he thinks he's doing me a favor by telling me more stupid repetitive things. Repetitive repetitive repetitive. If he is running out of things to talk about, he will tell an old story again, the same way, in hopes that you won't remember. If you do remember, he'll tell it again anyways, in all its lame deliciousness. The worst part is, that along with American Psycho, he is a metaphor for the superficial capitalistic eighties. He's driving me nuts, and while I always realized he was drastically different from me, it used to be that he was at a comfortable distance friendship wise. Now I find that there is a second head on my torso mouth-breathing hot stinky breath down my neck constantly.
Later today was also rather dismal I might add. I decided to go look for Macromedia Flash for the laddy, and egads, they want $150 for a computer program? Fuck them. "Fuck them right up their fat asses. "
The Unofficial Gateway Opinion Meeting
Also, I decided to go to the unofficial Gateway meeting. I'd been debating on whether or not to go, and it turns out that I should have followed my initial decision of "no, don't subject yourself to the stupid newbies." I used to be really shy about such things, but I'm not anymore. Ironically, I didn't say much at this little get together in RATT however, but that wasn't from lack of hutzpah. After the quality of conversation took a downhill slide after the first ten minutes, I should have left. Of course, I had to wait until things took a turn for the worst before I packed up my stuff and left without a farewell. That and I had beer to finish.
I think that the worst part is that when this particular little instant happened, I looked around the table to see if anyone else was offended, and instead saw everyone else chuckling or joining in, including some people who I have (had?) a pretty high opinion of. All the while, I was thinking that "this is what happens if there is no senority present..." Sure, we Gateway staff (although at this point, I hardly count) pride ourselves on blatant inappropriateness, but isn't it supposed to be of the intellectual thought provoking sort? This was locker room level- frat boy level, and so much lower, and so so embarrassing.
The thing was this: One opinionist wanted to purloin a U of A team sport jersey somehow, and another brought forward the idea of seducing a member of a woman's team for a jersey. Ok...ha ha. It was funny quip that unfortunately got followed with a disgusting conversation on which females of which team would be acceptable and not hazardous to the health to fuck. With detail. When they got to the dislocation of a hip from having "a rugby player bouncing up and down on top of you" (a rugby player with "no teeth" of course, I might add), I was so revolted that I just left. I was really grossed out and dissappointed by the whole group of them. Had there been one other girl there, they probably wouldn't have even gone there, but for fuck's sake...at least one of them should have stood up and said something pointing towards decency or respect of females in general. And yes, now I'm fucking mad that I didn't say something, but I think that the abruptness of my leave probably indicated something. Hopefully. More than likely I'm just kidding myself. But, the more I think about this the madder I get.
¶ 5:21 PM
First of all....Fenton. I had lunch with him as per usual, and the nitpicky banter picked up as usual, but then I started wondering why we always have these mutually depreciating conversations, which doesn't usually happen when I lose in them. And the mind went crazy with possibilities on why, and each conclusion was worse than the next one. It makes him feel better to depreciate others? It makes me feel better to depreciate him? Are we mutual eg0-murderers? In anycase, we talked about it, and I took the easy way out by blaming hormones, but really, it has to do with a balance somehow not achieved on his end. I could call him a litany of things having to do with anatomy, in a derogatory manner one day, but at the same time, he knows I value him as a friend. On the flipside though, I just don't know, nor have I ever really known anything as far as..."well, he showed up for lunch today (or some other activity) so I guess that might mean something."
But does it? I think Fenton is an awesome person, and I've always thought so, but I also don't think he necessarily needs me around.
I need your blood. Or a kidney. Or your soul. Hell, give them all up.
More specifically, neediness as a control mechanism: One friend I have is totally giving me a lot of grief lately. Grief to the point where I am later constantly saying bad things about him to other friends. It's been the story of our friendship where he will phone out of the blue no matter what I may be doing at the time, and expect me to talk to him for an indeterminate amount of time. Most specifically, listen to him, for an indeterminate time. If I voice something that may or may not be going alright/bad in my life, in the hopes of finding someone to talk to about it (this is a hopeless endeavor with most of my friends though I realize) he'll just ignore it and talk more about himself, like he thinks he's doing me a favor by telling me more stupid repetitive things. Repetitive repetitive repetitive. If he is running out of things to talk about, he will tell an old story again, the same way, in hopes that you won't remember. If you do remember, he'll tell it again anyways, in all its lame deliciousness. The worst part is, that along with American Psycho, he is a metaphor for the superficial capitalistic eighties. He's driving me nuts, and while I always realized he was drastically different from me, it used to be that he was at a comfortable distance friendship wise. Now I find that there is a second head on my torso mouth-breathing hot stinky breath down my neck constantly.
Later today was also rather dismal I might add. I decided to go look for Macromedia Flash for the laddy, and egads, they want $150 for a computer program? Fuck them. "Fuck them right up their fat asses. "
The Unofficial Gateway Opinion Meeting
Also, I decided to go to the unofficial Gateway meeting. I'd been debating on whether or not to go, and it turns out that I should have followed my initial decision of "no, don't subject yourself to the stupid newbies." I used to be really shy about such things, but I'm not anymore. Ironically, I didn't say much at this little get together in RATT however, but that wasn't from lack of hutzpah. After the quality of conversation took a downhill slide after the first ten minutes, I should have left. Of course, I had to wait until things took a turn for the worst before I packed up my stuff and left without a farewell. That and I had beer to finish.
I think that the worst part is that when this particular little instant happened, I looked around the table to see if anyone else was offended, and instead saw everyone else chuckling or joining in, including some people who I have (had?) a pretty high opinion of. All the while, I was thinking that "this is what happens if there is no senority present..." Sure, we Gateway staff (although at this point, I hardly count) pride ourselves on blatant inappropriateness, but isn't it supposed to be of the intellectual thought provoking sort? This was locker room level- frat boy level, and so much lower, and so so embarrassing.
The thing was this: One opinionist wanted to purloin a U of A team sport jersey somehow, and another brought forward the idea of seducing a member of a woman's team for a jersey. Ok...ha ha. It was funny quip that unfortunately got followed with a disgusting conversation on which females of which team would be acceptable and not hazardous to the health to fuck. With detail. When they got to the dislocation of a hip from having "a rugby player bouncing up and down on top of you" (a rugby player with "no teeth" of course, I might add), I was so revolted that I just left. I was really grossed out and dissappointed by the whole group of them. Had there been one other girl there, they probably wouldn't have even gone there, but for fuck's sake...at least one of them should have stood up and said something pointing towards decency or respect of females in general. And yes, now I'm fucking mad that I didn't say something, but I think that the abruptness of my leave probably indicated something. Hopefully. More than likely I'm just kidding myself. But, the more I think about this the madder I get.
¶ 5:21 PM
