Monday, October 04, 2004
What the hell....?
Something odd definitely occurred today. I am pretty sure that I glitzed over everything in the last post, mainly because it just didn't fully kick in until I waved goodbye to Mooki.
I wonder sometimes if I don't take too much into myself, on top of the things in my life that I already can't handle that well. I listened to Mooki. I listen to Westjet. I listen to Fenton. I listen to Mr. Smith. I listen to Sej. I listen to everyone that needs someone to listen to them. But what do I do with the stuff that I absorb through these conversations again? I think I've forgotten, though I'm positive that I used to know how. Or maybe I just know too many people now. I don't know. I think the worst part is that I can't help them. I would help them if I could, but I don't know how, and then I think that this makes me defective. I don't think people come to me with their problems with the intent of bogging me down, nor would I discourage it, but I just don't want people (nor do I like it when it happens) getting pissed off at me if I can't solve them. I can listen, that is all I can do.
I kept thinking about everyone's issues today, including my own, while I wrote my Film and Media exam. Easy exam, if your mind is not a fog of the depressed messages of the depressed. I think I failed it, odd, when I feel like my brain is full to bursting. Fenton has been really getting to me lately. I know he percieves it as joking when he drops his acid wit or casts off some sarcastic remark in my general direction, but damn it...I can't take this crap all the time. Maybe I ask for it, I don't know. But I take it back. I take it all back. I just feel really sort of- when I was on the bus tonight, I just kept feeling like a stupid little girl stuck in the bottom of a huge stainless steel popcorn bowl being filled with whispering kernels of rice, and as I looked at my feet not touching the bus floor from my seat, the feeling was magnified and I felt like a total idiot.
I don't even know why. I'm overwhelmed. I'm tired out. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. I can't afford anything. I'm constantly being impulsive. I don't want to be here in this house anymore. I just have had enough. I can't even pretend to be interested in any of my classes, and this, this out of everything is what used to be my thing. My classes used to enthrall me completely. And I just don't know what's wrong with all of this, because by all means nothing is wrong. There is absolutely nothing that I should be complaining about. My parents carry me. I feel like they still resent me for it, despite the fact that it was a decision they made. And while I'm immensely grateful, I wonder if resentment is going to be the trade-off. The thing that kills me the most is other people deal with all this crap on a daily basis, but they deal with it, and everyone just seems so much more mentally sound than I feel I must appear sometimes.
Sej almost (maybe) got raped yesterday. That kills me. I don't want to be here. I want to be there but I can't be, and I don't know if she's got anyone meaningful around there to take care of her. All I can do is sit here and be scared for her. Maybe I should be religious or something afterall. I'm tired out. That song constantly makes me bawl my eyes out. Perhaps I shouldn't listen to it anymore tonight. No more emo shit. Sorry oh few perusers that were expecting anything profound tonight.
¶ 11:48 PM
I wonder sometimes if I don't take too much into myself, on top of the things in my life that I already can't handle that well. I listened to Mooki. I listen to Westjet. I listen to Fenton. I listen to Mr. Smith. I listen to Sej. I listen to everyone that needs someone to listen to them. But what do I do with the stuff that I absorb through these conversations again? I think I've forgotten, though I'm positive that I used to know how. Or maybe I just know too many people now. I don't know. I think the worst part is that I can't help them. I would help them if I could, but I don't know how, and then I think that this makes me defective. I don't think people come to me with their problems with the intent of bogging me down, nor would I discourage it, but I just don't want people (nor do I like it when it happens) getting pissed off at me if I can't solve them. I can listen, that is all I can do.
I kept thinking about everyone's issues today, including my own, while I wrote my Film and Media exam. Easy exam, if your mind is not a fog of the depressed messages of the depressed. I think I failed it, odd, when I feel like my brain is full to bursting. Fenton has been really getting to me lately. I know he percieves it as joking when he drops his acid wit or casts off some sarcastic remark in my general direction, but damn it...I can't take this crap all the time. Maybe I ask for it, I don't know. But I take it back. I take it all back. I just feel really sort of- when I was on the bus tonight, I just kept feeling like a stupid little girl stuck in the bottom of a huge stainless steel popcorn bowl being filled with whispering kernels of rice, and as I looked at my feet not touching the bus floor from my seat, the feeling was magnified and I felt like a total idiot.
I don't even know why. I'm overwhelmed. I'm tired out. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. I can't afford anything. I'm constantly being impulsive. I don't want to be here in this house anymore. I just have had enough. I can't even pretend to be interested in any of my classes, and this, this out of everything is what used to be my thing. My classes used to enthrall me completely. And I just don't know what's wrong with all of this, because by all means nothing is wrong. There is absolutely nothing that I should be complaining about. My parents carry me. I feel like they still resent me for it, despite the fact that it was a decision they made. And while I'm immensely grateful, I wonder if resentment is going to be the trade-off. The thing that kills me the most is other people deal with all this crap on a daily basis, but they deal with it, and everyone just seems so much more mentally sound than I feel I must appear sometimes.
Sej almost (maybe) got raped yesterday. That kills me. I don't want to be here. I want to be there but I can't be, and I don't know if she's got anyone meaningful around there to take care of her. All I can do is sit here and be scared for her. Maybe I should be religious or something afterall. I'm tired out. That song constantly makes me bawl my eyes out. Perhaps I shouldn't listen to it anymore tonight. No more emo shit. Sorry oh few perusers that were expecting anything profound tonight.
¶ 11:48 PM
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Babydoll, you sitting there in your room on that computer listening to me whine about the stupid stuff, that is all the help i need from you. I wish I could be close to you. i wish I was there for YOU more. I contemplate where I'm going and wondering if I should go closer to those who care so much, since the only person I have left on this godforsaken island is my Ba. But you need to pop up to me too sometimes sweatheart. Tell me you're annoyed with stupid snake pulling tremors dives in her tank. Tell me you're choked about mulitple boy issues. You do, but not often enough. And let me tell you it means a lot to me when you do do this, because it makes me feel like you beleive in me to care about you. Which I do. I cried reading this post...i don't cry often, although more now than I used to. I love you sweetie and I think you need to take a good look at what you want out of life. I may be off base, but there seems to be a lot of unhappiness of late, and my god I want to help you out of it. just know tho, that i'm here. any time...bitch whine complain your pretty little heart out to me...i'll listen, just like you do.
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