Sunday, November 07, 2004
I have had a bad day- and it's not even over yet, that's the bitchin' part. I've had a few disparaging thoughts today.
Finding a balance- I really realized why I am friends with Westjet today. We have nothing in common, but we have lots of fun together, and more importantly, we have a mutual respect for each other, and he treats me very well despite everything. Despite all this, he's probably pretty pissed off at me right now because I dodged him last night to hang out with Fenton instead.
Last night, was really fun. At least I thought it was. We walked in the bitter cold and nattered about important things, non-important things, and all the silly things inbetween. However, when it came time for me to call a cab home, due to some western semi-final football idiocy, Fenton was unable to locate a cab for me. I took the slice of couch I was offered and spent a sleepless night inspecting the rafters of the Fenton family basement, making friends with the cat, and wishing the lamp next to the couch was actually plugged in so I could do something more constructive than sleeping.
The next morning, I got woken up at ten minutes to the time that I'd said I'd be home at. Apparently, I'd also overstayed my welcome at the same time, as I got punted into the street like a 35 cent hooker promptly after.
I don't care how fucking important you think your life is, you don't treat your friends like garbage. Had the situation been reversed, not only with a friend, but anyone staying in my home overnight (35 cent hookers included), I would at least have offered some breakfast, regardless if the offer had been declined. Maybe I sound like I'm overreacting, but... right now I feel like moving into the middle of a forest by myself.
No one to have to make niceties with. No one to want to care about one-sidedly. No one to hurt me after I find that out. No one to manipulate me. No one to come simpering after me in need of attention. No one to pretend to listen to me, seeking outlet to talk about themselves. No one to get mad at me if I don't pay attention. No one to confirm that I have nothing to say. No one to think that my life is less important- that my future is always disposable- that I don't have anything better to do because this is what I'm supposed to do-be your friend. No one to not understand. No one to have to try and understand. No one to placate. No one to treat me badly. No one to cast you aside at their convenience. No one to fucking worry about. Nobody around- just me. Maybe I'd get some of my life done then instead of putting it aside for everyone else.
I'm mad. But really, I'm sad, because I love all my friends- maybe that is just the way that it's supposed to be, maybe it's normal, and I'm too selfish or stupid to see that.
I'm also upset about Mr. Pink. I think- I don't know what to think. Why the fuck is he with someone like me? I wouldn't want to be with me. And yet here I am, in this tainted nuclear mistake of a body, with a poisoned mind, and lacking knowlege in everything. How do you make cake with such vile ingredients?
I hate school. I just keep on hating it more and more. I still don't think I'm doing the right thing. I'm doing something that at this point I think I have the best chance at enjoying. I'm not going to know until my IPT/APT which horrendously, is in my last year. And then, I can't think up what I would do instead. And then I think that I'm too fucked up a person to be teaching young people- that it can't be healthy- that I'm too much of a crazy. I feel like I'm just wasting my life right here. Right now. And I'm upset with myself because I won't let myself just quit and move onto something else, because I know it will make me upset for not finishing the only hope at some sort of career chance I may have had, and also because it would upset my parents a lot. But I don't want to be here. There are a million other places and a million other things that I'd rather be doing, and I could be smoked by a car coming over the curb tomorrow and become a blip. "Wasn't it sad?" "She was so young." "But, moving on..."
I see why winning the lottery is so appealing now. Maybe money does buy happiness. If you had lots of money, you wouldn't have to stop anywhere long enough to care for anyone. You could give all your existing friends a monthly share, and they'd think you were the greatest person ever, with no work involved. You could be a no-body, but still be doing something more purposeful than what you were doing as a some-body. Which is nothing.
I am doing nothing purposeful in the world right now, and I'm just a parasite. Parasite to my parents, parasite to my friends, parasite to the school staff I constantly annoy, and I feed off everyone I encounter somehow- but for what? All I ever seem to do is make people miserable somehow. I don't feel like I give as much as I take sometimes, but sometimes, I feel like a skeleton with only little bits of flesh clinging to my ribcage standing on a streetcorner. What the hell am I supposed to be doing here? Are you supposed to enjoy life or make something of it? Or are they one and the same? I suppose you actually need one for the other, is what it really comes down to.
Sorry. I probably just need to get some sleep afterall. And some breakfast. Or, maybe I need my wallet back so I can go buy a lottery ticket.
¶ 4:21 PM
Finding a balance- I really realized why I am friends with Westjet today. We have nothing in common, but we have lots of fun together, and more importantly, we have a mutual respect for each other, and he treats me very well despite everything. Despite all this, he's probably pretty pissed off at me right now because I dodged him last night to hang out with Fenton instead.
Last night, was really fun. At least I thought it was. We walked in the bitter cold and nattered about important things, non-important things, and all the silly things inbetween. However, when it came time for me to call a cab home, due to some western semi-final football idiocy, Fenton was unable to locate a cab for me. I took the slice of couch I was offered and spent a sleepless night inspecting the rafters of the Fenton family basement, making friends with the cat, and wishing the lamp next to the couch was actually plugged in so I could do something more constructive than sleeping.
The next morning, I got woken up at ten minutes to the time that I'd said I'd be home at. Apparently, I'd also overstayed my welcome at the same time, as I got punted into the street like a 35 cent hooker promptly after.
I don't care how fucking important you think your life is, you don't treat your friends like garbage. Had the situation been reversed, not only with a friend, but anyone staying in my home overnight (35 cent hookers included), I would at least have offered some breakfast, regardless if the offer had been declined. Maybe I sound like I'm overreacting, but... right now I feel like moving into the middle of a forest by myself.
No one to have to make niceties with. No one to want to care about one-sidedly. No one to hurt me after I find that out. No one to manipulate me. No one to come simpering after me in need of attention. No one to pretend to listen to me, seeking outlet to talk about themselves. No one to get mad at me if I don't pay attention. No one to confirm that I have nothing to say. No one to think that my life is less important- that my future is always disposable- that I don't have anything better to do because this is what I'm supposed to do-be your friend. No one to not understand. No one to have to try and understand. No one to placate. No one to treat me badly. No one to cast you aside at their convenience. No one to fucking worry about. Nobody around- just me. Maybe I'd get some of my life done then instead of putting it aside for everyone else.
I'm mad. But really, I'm sad, because I love all my friends- maybe that is just the way that it's supposed to be, maybe it's normal, and I'm too selfish or stupid to see that.
I'm also upset about Mr. Pink. I think- I don't know what to think. Why the fuck is he with someone like me? I wouldn't want to be with me. And yet here I am, in this tainted nuclear mistake of a body, with a poisoned mind, and lacking knowlege in everything. How do you make cake with such vile ingredients?
I hate school. I just keep on hating it more and more. I still don't think I'm doing the right thing. I'm doing something that at this point I think I have the best chance at enjoying. I'm not going to know until my IPT/APT which horrendously, is in my last year. And then, I can't think up what I would do instead. And then I think that I'm too fucked up a person to be teaching young people- that it can't be healthy- that I'm too much of a crazy. I feel like I'm just wasting my life right here. Right now. And I'm upset with myself because I won't let myself just quit and move onto something else, because I know it will make me upset for not finishing the only hope at some sort of career chance I may have had, and also because it would upset my parents a lot. But I don't want to be here. There are a million other places and a million other things that I'd rather be doing, and I could be smoked by a car coming over the curb tomorrow and become a blip. "Wasn't it sad?" "She was so young." "But, moving on..."
I see why winning the lottery is so appealing now. Maybe money does buy happiness. If you had lots of money, you wouldn't have to stop anywhere long enough to care for anyone. You could give all your existing friends a monthly share, and they'd think you were the greatest person ever, with no work involved. You could be a no-body, but still be doing something more purposeful than what you were doing as a some-body. Which is nothing.
I am doing nothing purposeful in the world right now, and I'm just a parasite. Parasite to my parents, parasite to my friends, parasite to the school staff I constantly annoy, and I feed off everyone I encounter somehow- but for what? All I ever seem to do is make people miserable somehow. I don't feel like I give as much as I take sometimes, but sometimes, I feel like a skeleton with only little bits of flesh clinging to my ribcage standing on a streetcorner. What the hell am I supposed to be doing here? Are you supposed to enjoy life or make something of it? Or are they one and the same? I suppose you actually need one for the other, is what it really comes down to.
Sorry. I probably just need to get some sleep afterall. And some breakfast. Or, maybe I need my wallet back so I can go buy a lottery ticket.
¶ 4:21 PM
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You know, the stupid thing, is that despite all that I totally understood why it happened. I knew you were excited about hanging out with S, and I was perfectly willing to leave straightaway because of it, but it was the whole, "don't let my door hit your ass on the way out" thing that bugged me. But at this point, I'm not too concerned about an apology because I was not the most mentally sound of people yesterday when I wrote this post anyways.
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