Sunday, November 21, 2004
What is love? A figment.
I really wish Fenton was up right now. The first time I feel like talking about all this garbage for a week, and no one to tell it too. I don't hold it against him, I'm sort of used to the allergy of actually telling people things that are on my mind, but for some reason (lots of caffeine? An understanding of my issue?) I just feel like spilling my guts out right now- cut open my stomach and let my steamy eviscera spill out onto the table. Because your guts are easier to see and fathom when they're spread out in front of you, I realize, and when someone is there to tell you, no, affirm, that your gallbladder is not really the florescent green you thought it would be, unlike the amphibian's you dissected in Science 10.
Garden State
It was so...real, yet not. No one ever really gets off the plane, you know? They keep going to LA because they accept wrecking their lives, or feel that love is an unnecessary thing afterall.
The scene that keeps returning to me though, is when they are sitting in the bathtub, and he holds her, and says, " I feel so safe, like I'm home." This was the best part of the movie- the kiss at the edge of the "canyon" being second to that. I wonder if those kisses that no one ever expects to occur, no matter how much they may or may not want it, ever really happen, or is that just the movies? Because movies have dictated a lot about love and romantic habits, there's no escaping that. Much to my chagrin. So, while I know all this, and know the ridiculousness of how I feel after seeing movies like this, I still get this little twinge of upset after I see them, this one and ESOTSM only, that makes me 1) wonder if that kind of love is ever going to be out there for me, or 2) Is what I have now as good as it realistically gets?
Because I don't think it is. Call it foolish idealism, or foolish romantic notion, but I don't think what I have now is as good as it gets. I don't smile at Mr. Pink whenever I make eye contact with him, like my cousin and her husband do, like my mother and father do, and then I wonder why it's still taking me this long to figure it out. Or rather, when I think I have figured it out, what is going on that I can't be good enough for someone? Out of everything in a relationship, when you're in love, you should still be able to smile at someone repeatedly forever, no matter how bad some things may be. That smile is an affirmation that nothing is insurmountable. J and I, when I know they detest being around J's mom, are extra smiley. They may not be having a good time around the constantly meno-raging Harlot, but as long as the other is there, they're having tons of fun. I cried at their wedding because I was so upset with the relevation that I might not ever find that- very selfish thing, and bad timing, I know-This is why I hate weddings. Or why I want to run away and hide when I see my parents all affectionate-like with each other. I enjoy seeing other people in love so much, but at the same time, it turns my stomach because I don't like facing facts that it might not happen for me.
Mr. Pink and I
This is not what I want.
Intelligent, literate, loves books, well spoken, interesting, funny, a writer, an artist, similar values and morals, good kisser, unique, suave, and a penchant for Italian.
This is not what I want. How can you want someone you can summarize in one sentence? I want someone I could write volumes on. Someone who constantly inspires me. Someone who would come and see me sometimes. But, I'm curious as to what happens, no, in dread of what happens, if I let him out of my grasp. It isn't the solitude I dread, maybe I even need more of it, but I dread the escape of the possible one good fish in the sea. I'm afraid of being alone, and reaching out in the future to others and just grazing the fingertips, not getting a firm grip of someone's hand. And I wonder if I continue to slip out of the grasps of many, whether it will become an unbreakable habit.
It's funny that I can get all worked up about my physical appearance, and then not want to be with one of the few who is unconcerned about it- doesn't see the scars, or the unchangeable nature of my body. I really should be embracing someone like that and not letting go in times like these, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I'm going to see him this weekend, and I'm so worried about what will happen. The thing is that nothing bad will happen if I keep my mouth shut. I just have to realize that this is it, I suppose. "You've had your good luck (looks?) for so long, that you're going to be running on empty soon, it's just Karma, so latch on to what you got and don't let go."
I wonder if I really am fucked, either way, and I don't mean that in the sense of a manager trois.
Several More important things to talk about though.
1. I finished all my assignments in the nick of time last week, other than a little screwup regarding the images for my art history paper, and as a result, have had one hell of a relaxed day today, which unfortunately made me also sort of untalkative.
2. Made a peace treaty with Godzilla: "Lay the fuck off, I'm an adult. You are not my caretaker."
3. Nanowrimo is SO not going...I'll work on it this week though I suppose.
4. I really had a great time with my parents on Friday- we hung out and talked about everything. Everything. And it was great, and we had sushi. My dad is writing again, and I am so proud of him. And thus, we always seem to run out of time to talk now, rather than how it used to be. My dad used to be rather inapproachable. In my teenage years, I was convinced that he was a tyrannist of course, and only further alienated him- and he didn't even try to push against the barricade I built shoddily out of teen angst. He was the smart one though, knowing to just ride it out. My mother, my father, and I, just get along amazing now, and I love it.
5. I have the most awesome idea for Fenton's birthday present EVER. It involves eggplant.
6. Went to the roost last night, didn't get home until four o'clock. But it was fun. I got a little tiny buzz, and the music sucked, and my phonecall sucked, but being with the three boys always proves to be a good cure for any funk, even if the music sucks. I ran into Carrie, who was more than a little plowed, and we had a little reunion and exchanged numbers. I used to adore her, but for some reason, I wasn't really seeing it last night. She's great, and maybe we'll be friends, and that would be fun, but, I don't know. I told her last night, just for a laugh that she's the first girl I'd ever had a crush on, (true), and despite her sogginess, she saw through the joke in a millisecond and gave me a huge hug and told me she thought I was amazing.
7. I really want my hair back long. This shortness is killing me everytime I look in the mirror. At least I had something to hide behind when it was long.
8. I've lost a lot of weight in the last thirteen days. Startlingly so. And though I won't tell my parents, or do anything about it, I'm still sick. I just keep hoping it will go away on its own.
9. I love my friends to death, they are all so rad.
10. (I just wanted to have ten) Smoking is making me feel so incredibly disgusting. I feel like a scourge of the planet, and really depressing when I have one. I pout and go, "no wonder no one who isn't desperate wants you. You're a smoker, and thus = disgusting." And I wonder if other smokers go through this.
God I'm grouchy. I should go to bed. Or develop a freezy addiction, or pop handfuls of valium. That'd be sweet...
¶ 2:31 AM
Garden State
It was so...real, yet not. No one ever really gets off the plane, you know? They keep going to LA because they accept wrecking their lives, or feel that love is an unnecessary thing afterall.
The scene that keeps returning to me though, is when they are sitting in the bathtub, and he holds her, and says, " I feel so safe, like I'm home." This was the best part of the movie- the kiss at the edge of the "canyon" being second to that. I wonder if those kisses that no one ever expects to occur, no matter how much they may or may not want it, ever really happen, or is that just the movies? Because movies have dictated a lot about love and romantic habits, there's no escaping that. Much to my chagrin. So, while I know all this, and know the ridiculousness of how I feel after seeing movies like this, I still get this little twinge of upset after I see them, this one and ESOTSM only, that makes me 1) wonder if that kind of love is ever going to be out there for me, or 2) Is what I have now as good as it realistically gets?
Because I don't think it is. Call it foolish idealism, or foolish romantic notion, but I don't think what I have now is as good as it gets. I don't smile at Mr. Pink whenever I make eye contact with him, like my cousin and her husband do, like my mother and father do, and then I wonder why it's still taking me this long to figure it out. Or rather, when I think I have figured it out, what is going on that I can't be good enough for someone? Out of everything in a relationship, when you're in love, you should still be able to smile at someone repeatedly forever, no matter how bad some things may be. That smile is an affirmation that nothing is insurmountable. J and I, when I know they detest being around J's mom, are extra smiley. They may not be having a good time around the constantly meno-raging Harlot, but as long as the other is there, they're having tons of fun. I cried at their wedding because I was so upset with the relevation that I might not ever find that- very selfish thing, and bad timing, I know-This is why I hate weddings. Or why I want to run away and hide when I see my parents all affectionate-like with each other. I enjoy seeing other people in love so much, but at the same time, it turns my stomach because I don't like facing facts that it might not happen for me.
Mr. Pink and I
This is not what I want.
Intelligent, literate, loves books, well spoken, interesting, funny, a writer, an artist, similar values and morals, good kisser, unique, suave, and a penchant for Italian.
This is not what I want. How can you want someone you can summarize in one sentence? I want someone I could write volumes on. Someone who constantly inspires me. Someone who would come and see me sometimes. But, I'm curious as to what happens, no, in dread of what happens, if I let him out of my grasp. It isn't the solitude I dread, maybe I even need more of it, but I dread the escape of the possible one good fish in the sea. I'm afraid of being alone, and reaching out in the future to others and just grazing the fingertips, not getting a firm grip of someone's hand. And I wonder if I continue to slip out of the grasps of many, whether it will become an unbreakable habit.
It's funny that I can get all worked up about my physical appearance, and then not want to be with one of the few who is unconcerned about it- doesn't see the scars, or the unchangeable nature of my body. I really should be embracing someone like that and not letting go in times like these, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I'm going to see him this weekend, and I'm so worried about what will happen. The thing is that nothing bad will happen if I keep my mouth shut. I just have to realize that this is it, I suppose. "You've had your good luck (looks?) for so long, that you're going to be running on empty soon, it's just Karma, so latch on to what you got and don't let go."
I wonder if I really am fucked, either way, and I don't mean that in the sense of a manager trois.
Several More important things to talk about though.
1. I finished all my assignments in the nick of time last week, other than a little screwup regarding the images for my art history paper, and as a result, have had one hell of a relaxed day today, which unfortunately made me also sort of untalkative.
2. Made a peace treaty with Godzilla: "Lay the fuck off, I'm an adult. You are not my caretaker."
3. Nanowrimo is SO not going...I'll work on it this week though I suppose.
4. I really had a great time with my parents on Friday- we hung out and talked about everything. Everything. And it was great, and we had sushi. My dad is writing again, and I am so proud of him. And thus, we always seem to run out of time to talk now, rather than how it used to be. My dad used to be rather inapproachable. In my teenage years, I was convinced that he was a tyrannist of course, and only further alienated him- and he didn't even try to push against the barricade I built shoddily out of teen angst. He was the smart one though, knowing to just ride it out. My mother, my father, and I, just get along amazing now, and I love it.
5. I have the most awesome idea for Fenton's birthday present EVER. It involves eggplant.
6. Went to the roost last night, didn't get home until four o'clock. But it was fun. I got a little tiny buzz, and the music sucked, and my phonecall sucked, but being with the three boys always proves to be a good cure for any funk, even if the music sucks. I ran into Carrie, who was more than a little plowed, and we had a little reunion and exchanged numbers. I used to adore her, but for some reason, I wasn't really seeing it last night. She's great, and maybe we'll be friends, and that would be fun, but, I don't know. I told her last night, just for a laugh that she's the first girl I'd ever had a crush on, (true), and despite her sogginess, she saw through the joke in a millisecond and gave me a huge hug and told me she thought I was amazing.
7. I really want my hair back long. This shortness is killing me everytime I look in the mirror. At least I had something to hide behind when it was long.
8. I've lost a lot of weight in the last thirteen days. Startlingly so. And though I won't tell my parents, or do anything about it, I'm still sick. I just keep hoping it will go away on its own.
9. I love my friends to death, they are all so rad.
10. (I just wanted to have ten) Smoking is making me feel so incredibly disgusting. I feel like a scourge of the planet, and really depressing when I have one. I pout and go, "no wonder no one who isn't desperate wants you. You're a smoker, and thus = disgusting." And I wonder if other smokers go through this.
God I'm grouchy. I should go to bed. Or develop a freezy addiction, or pop handfuls of valium. That'd be sweet...
¶ 2:31 AM
