Monday, January 03, 2005
We name our children after small towns we've never been to
I have a lot to say. I will instead bullet, if I can remember how. Ok, I don't, so asterisking it is.
* WestJet has been stalking me. Thankyou Mr. Smith. He will be greeting you also with a slow grin from outside your window of your cottage in the country soon I hope. Over the phone, anyways, with some loud mouth breathing thrown in for good measure.
* I have a lot of chocolate at my disposal right now.
* The Indonesian Tsunamis are making my insides churn. I'm horrified at the amount of lives lost, as well as equally horrified at the apathy around me that seems somehow magnified right now, even though people are being for once less apathetic then they usually are in the face of disaster in other parts of the world. I'm donating blood and some money, and I hope that more people do so. And as for all the 'Mo's I know, lie on your forms and do it anyways. I could go on about this, but I feel very overwhelmed about it. People keep saying "it's like September 11th all over again" and I want to slap them in the mouth. Don't even.
* I love the Boy. It is official. I can't believe how stupid I've been, because he's just been there being this good and kind and wonderful all this time. Another thing, is that I realized a different aspect of his character that I hadn't realized before that puts some issues I've been having with him in a completely different light. We did more serious talking from the twenty-eighth to the thirty-first then we've probably ever done before. And yes, I feel incredibly guilty about a few things, but at the same time, relieved that I haven't made a mistake. And more importantly, I realized that I love the way he looks at me, and talks to me. I love fighting with him, and I love his stubborness, his smile, and the way he cocks his head at me and listens. This doesn't change the fact that all of this still scares the hell out of me, but that's a whole other story.
* My friend Lohan is getting married in August, and I've finally gotten over the jeebies about being her maid of honor. However, Lohan is also facing possible infertility with chemo and radiation treatments in the event that she may or may not have Cushings disease, which is actually a form of cancer - on top of her giddy wishes to start trying for a baby as soon as they're married. I'm worried.
* Grandma has cancer again. It may have spread to her lungs. At this point, she's refusing treatment. I told her I supported her decision, and if she needed me to do anything, I would. But I feel like crawling into a little ball and hiding in the crawlspace under the stairs where my dad's old handrawn plane instruments are.
* I keep thinking those morbid thoughts right out of a bad nacho commercial I saw once and made into an art project: You could get eaten by a bear in the woods and die. You could get stung by a bee and die. You could get into a car crash and die. You could be hit by a Tsunami and die. You could get a paper cut on your jugular and die. And on and on, except I'm not thinking about myself. I'm thinking about these pinnacle family members that hold it all together, that could die at any given moment, and all I want to do is throw them into a padded room with a lock on it, for safe keeping. I don't want the crazies in our families to have any deciding power. I don't want all the strong people to dissappear.
* I'm really looking forward to school. The sooner I get into school, the sooner I can relax, and shamefully, by relax, I mean escape. Escape into the inane trivialities of the folks I barely know at school, and sink into pretentious lack of real concern.
* There is no way in fuck that I'm going to be able to quit smoking anytime soon.
* I am running out of money
* I really miss all my friends, though I realize that I could be really depressing company right now. Do me a favor- just be truthful. If you don't understand, tell me you don't understand. And don't give me sympathy, I'm not the one who needs it here.
*Obesity, Education students, PETA advertisements out of hand, Tsunamis, apathy (possibly bring up in Tsunamis) ,panssexualism = rip off my ideas, and I'll cut you. I have to win this bet. Two dollars is a lot!
¶ 2:36 AM
* WestJet has been stalking me. Thankyou Mr. Smith. He will be greeting you also with a slow grin from outside your window of your cottage in the country soon I hope. Over the phone, anyways, with some loud mouth breathing thrown in for good measure.
* I have a lot of chocolate at my disposal right now.
* The Indonesian Tsunamis are making my insides churn. I'm horrified at the amount of lives lost, as well as equally horrified at the apathy around me that seems somehow magnified right now, even though people are being for once less apathetic then they usually are in the face of disaster in other parts of the world. I'm donating blood and some money, and I hope that more people do so. And as for all the 'Mo's I know, lie on your forms and do it anyways. I could go on about this, but I feel very overwhelmed about it. People keep saying "it's like September 11th all over again" and I want to slap them in the mouth. Don't even.
* I love the Boy. It is official. I can't believe how stupid I've been, because he's just been there being this good and kind and wonderful all this time. Another thing, is that I realized a different aspect of his character that I hadn't realized before that puts some issues I've been having with him in a completely different light. We did more serious talking from the twenty-eighth to the thirty-first then we've probably ever done before. And yes, I feel incredibly guilty about a few things, but at the same time, relieved that I haven't made a mistake. And more importantly, I realized that I love the way he looks at me, and talks to me. I love fighting with him, and I love his stubborness, his smile, and the way he cocks his head at me and listens. This doesn't change the fact that all of this still scares the hell out of me, but that's a whole other story.
* My friend Lohan is getting married in August, and I've finally gotten over the jeebies about being her maid of honor. However, Lohan is also facing possible infertility with chemo and radiation treatments in the event that she may or may not have Cushings disease, which is actually a form of cancer - on top of her giddy wishes to start trying for a baby as soon as they're married. I'm worried.
* Grandma has cancer again. It may have spread to her lungs. At this point, she's refusing treatment. I told her I supported her decision, and if she needed me to do anything, I would. But I feel like crawling into a little ball and hiding in the crawlspace under the stairs where my dad's old handrawn plane instruments are.
* I keep thinking those morbid thoughts right out of a bad nacho commercial I saw once and made into an art project: You could get eaten by a bear in the woods and die. You could get stung by a bee and die. You could get into a car crash and die. You could be hit by a Tsunami and die. You could get a paper cut on your jugular and die. And on and on, except I'm not thinking about myself. I'm thinking about these pinnacle family members that hold it all together, that could die at any given moment, and all I want to do is throw them into a padded room with a lock on it, for safe keeping. I don't want the crazies in our families to have any deciding power. I don't want all the strong people to dissappear.
* I'm really looking forward to school. The sooner I get into school, the sooner I can relax, and shamefully, by relax, I mean escape. Escape into the inane trivialities of the folks I barely know at school, and sink into pretentious lack of real concern.
* There is no way in fuck that I'm going to be able to quit smoking anytime soon.
* I am running out of money
* I really miss all my friends, though I realize that I could be really depressing company right now. Do me a favor- just be truthful. If you don't understand, tell me you don't understand. And don't give me sympathy, I'm not the one who needs it here.
*Obesity, Education students, PETA advertisements out of hand, Tsunamis, apathy (possibly bring up in Tsunamis) ,panssexualism = rip off my ideas, and I'll cut you. I have to win this bet. Two dollars is a lot!
¶ 2:36 AM
