Emergency!
Saturday, February 19, 2005
  "A wise woman once told me, 'if you have a cunt you're fucked.' "
I think it hit me tonight that I don't have Jared anymore. I mean, I'm always going to have him as a friend, but it hit me like a physical blow to the stomach that that's what he is now. A friend. And I still think friends are more important then anything else, but I'm going to miss him a lot- from what little I saw of him anyways. I liked how comforting and strong he was, and how his eyes were so warm and laughing and always lit up when he made me laugh. And how smart he was, and damn... I know I haven't made a mistake, but I really thought that I'd gotten it right this time. And maybe it still will be right, just not right now, but who knows.

I went out for Bento's boy's birthday party tonight, and it was quite fun but I kept anticipating that my funds would run dry unexpectedly. And this is an issue for me right now, because I'm going to have to buy a bus pass soon, and some TV dinners for a certain voraciously appetited reptile. In the time that I've gotten her, she's grown half a foot. Also, she shed her first whole skin last week, which was awesome, because it's the best indicator of how healthy a reptile is, and before that one, they'd all been pretty much shredded or come off in tatters. She's healthy, yay! Ah, digression....the party was good, Bento's boy's friends are really cool and nice, though the one I am most interested in getting to know is very introverted, seemingly. WestJet and another friend of Bellan "queened off" for the whole night, it was quite hilarious.

Despite all the fun I had though, my mind sort of wandered a lot. I'd be talking and communicating just fine but my brain would be in a totally other space, and focussing on a) my doomed relationship b) my seemingly doomable future (doomable, damnable...argh), c) finances d) how I'd really rather be anywhere but here and e) how strangely enough, Fenton is really the only company that I wanted for the evening. Just chillin' over coffee and reading Bukowski. Odd, but it would have been nicer- I would have perhaps had my brain and my mouth in the same place.

Sidenote: I thought getting WestJet invited like ten minutes before the whole dinner would be a disaster, half hoping Bento's boy would just say "NO", but he got along fairly well. Loud and disruptive as usual, but it didn't seem to bother anyone much. The funny noises, maybe, but ....that's just him.

I'm a little bit wired right now, and talking to Tall. I miss hanging out with the guy, and he's actually found someone very special, which makes me really happy. He deserves it a lot after putting up with all my shat.
 
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