Saturday, March 26, 2005
Bad thoughts in my head
I still can't believe Elliot Smith killed himself. What if it's all unsubstantiated heresay? They thought the guy from Napoleon Dynamite killed himself last week, and it was all a stupid rumor. Apparently, people are entertained by lies involving drugs, car crashes, and celebrities.
I'm in a strange mood. My brother flew in today to see Grandma, and it was sort of hard to see him go in and see her, knowing that after he leaves on Sunday, if she's still alive, that will be the last time he sees her alive. I got a little choked.
We were talking about this earlier, and I still think strongly that my family, other than me, is unable to empathize with Grandma very well. It seems like they are all constructing their own ideas of what is going on in her mind- but I think I see what is going on, because I can read between the lines of what she says, doesn't say, and indicates through her actions of upping the pain meds, and cutting down the hydration. She eliminated subcutaneous hydration yesterday completely. I can't imagine what it would be like to die from dehydration though, becoming a husk of a body, but really I understand that she just wants to hasten the process. She's done. She's so weak right now though, and flipping through pictures of her from last year, it's unbelievable what has become of her. My brother got a huge jolt of reality tonight I think. He just kept saying, "it's so strange. It's so strange to see her like that. Strange."
Hanging out with him tonight has been a little odd. In a way, I feel bad for him, because everything is so good and great for him right now, and now, he's just back in badness. He's been jonesing for a joint ever since we left the hospital, and keeps asking me, "are you sure you don't have any left?"
Earlier, I went and purchased bras at Winners. God my boobs are fucking huge. I should get these slabs of mammarys halved, for the sake of my pocket book. I also got a blue sweater and some grey cargo pants in some weird effort to integrate some color and variety into my mundane and predictable wardrobe. I know it, you don't have to pretend like you didn't know it either. I had like a clothing "schedule". Watched one of the worst Dan Akroyd movies ever, something like an extended drug trip from the eighties, burned cd's for the brother (he lost all his to his tyrannosaurus rex of an ex) and sat around doing nothing. Talking to Fenton.
One thing: I found out that I lost my Pilate cd, and my Hawksley Cd also. Je choked. Sorry, but I like Pilate, so fuck you.
Another thing: Remember how I (ok, no you don't- I kid myself) hit on my brother's friend and possible best man of his wedding last time we went drinking? (I only ever go "drinking" with my brother, drinking occurs as a side-effect with any other people- it's never our ultimate goal to go spend tons of money to get sloshed) Anyways, I confessed that this had occurred to my brother tonight, hoping he wouldn't be upset or anything. BUT, it turns out that he was massively upset, but for reasons I couldn't have even guessed at. It turns out that "Seymour" was my brother's fiancee's ex-boyfriend/common law husband, of like 10 years. Not only that, but in the time that Seymour and she were together, he slapped her around a lot. I asked him then, why they were still even friends- And my brother doesn't even know, but knows that he wants to drop the guy every time he comes to stay. Seymour is apparently at their house right now while he is here, and that makes him nervous. And now, I feel like a total whorey shmuck, because he was seriously pissed that I even entertained the idea of doing anything with Seymour. But fuck, it goes without saying that I'll be avoiding that dude now.
Funnily enough, usually I have inklings about people guilty of things like hurting others, but it seems like I totally overlooked this one. Mind you, I've never really been sober around Seymour. However, one half of me can't help but wonder whether my brother's account might be exaggerated- something he is prone to sometimes, especially when it comes to his women. But, that said, I don't think you can exaggerate on a situation where one person is hitting their partner in any way. But but but...the question remaining is, why would you still be friends with your abuser after the fact? ¶ 2:10 AM
I'm in a strange mood. My brother flew in today to see Grandma, and it was sort of hard to see him go in and see her, knowing that after he leaves on Sunday, if she's still alive, that will be the last time he sees her alive. I got a little choked.
We were talking about this earlier, and I still think strongly that my family, other than me, is unable to empathize with Grandma very well. It seems like they are all constructing their own ideas of what is going on in her mind- but I think I see what is going on, because I can read between the lines of what she says, doesn't say, and indicates through her actions of upping the pain meds, and cutting down the hydration. She eliminated subcutaneous hydration yesterday completely. I can't imagine what it would be like to die from dehydration though, becoming a husk of a body, but really I understand that she just wants to hasten the process. She's done. She's so weak right now though, and flipping through pictures of her from last year, it's unbelievable what has become of her. My brother got a huge jolt of reality tonight I think. He just kept saying, "it's so strange. It's so strange to see her like that. Strange."
Hanging out with him tonight has been a little odd. In a way, I feel bad for him, because everything is so good and great for him right now, and now, he's just back in badness. He's been jonesing for a joint ever since we left the hospital, and keeps asking me, "are you sure you don't have any left?"
Earlier, I went and purchased bras at Winners. God my boobs are fucking huge. I should get these slabs of mammarys halved, for the sake of my pocket book. I also got a blue sweater and some grey cargo pants in some weird effort to integrate some color and variety into my mundane and predictable wardrobe. I know it, you don't have to pretend like you didn't know it either. I had like a clothing "schedule". Watched one of the worst Dan Akroyd movies ever, something like an extended drug trip from the eighties, burned cd's for the brother (he lost all his to his tyrannosaurus rex of an ex) and sat around doing nothing. Talking to Fenton.
One thing: I found out that I lost my Pilate cd, and my Hawksley Cd also. Je choked. Sorry, but I like Pilate, so fuck you.
Another thing: Remember how I (ok, no you don't- I kid myself) hit on my brother's friend and possible best man of his wedding last time we went drinking? (I only ever go "drinking" with my brother, drinking occurs as a side-effect with any other people- it's never our ultimate goal to go spend tons of money to get sloshed) Anyways, I confessed that this had occurred to my brother tonight, hoping he wouldn't be upset or anything. BUT, it turns out that he was massively upset, but for reasons I couldn't have even guessed at. It turns out that "Seymour" was my brother's fiancee's ex-boyfriend/common law husband, of like 10 years. Not only that, but in the time that Seymour and she were together, he slapped her around a lot. I asked him then, why they were still even friends- And my brother doesn't even know, but knows that he wants to drop the guy every time he comes to stay. Seymour is apparently at their house right now while he is here, and that makes him nervous. And now, I feel like a total whorey shmuck, because he was seriously pissed that I even entertained the idea of doing anything with Seymour. But fuck, it goes without saying that I'll be avoiding that dude now.
Funnily enough, usually I have inklings about people guilty of things like hurting others, but it seems like I totally overlooked this one. Mind you, I've never really been sober around Seymour. However, one half of me can't help but wonder whether my brother's account might be exaggerated- something he is prone to sometimes, especially when it comes to his women. But, that said, I don't think you can exaggerate on a situation where one person is hitting their partner in any way. But but but...the question remaining is, why would you still be friends with your abuser after the fact? ¶ 2:10 AM
