Saturday, April 30, 2005
Fortunes Rocks
So I am leaving soon. I guess it goes without saying that holes such as the one I am going to, will not have the internets. I wonder if I will be ok with that three days from now. It's been a long time since I've been cut off for more than two days. Funny how these necessities creep up on one and get them into such a stranglehold.
Went for dinner with Bento and his parents tonight, and got to see the new digs. Very Awesome. The place is small, but it reeks of character. I love it.
Speaking of which, I packed up all my stuff today. Godzilla had a big roaring conniption though, on the basis that she had been interpreting all my purposely non-committal "maybe's" and "we'll see's" (replies deliberately given because I didn't want to make her cry--I wanted my dad to do my dirty work) as "Oh boy, you bet I will" in regards to moving in back here at the end of the summer, and staying here for the summer. Uncomfortable and awkward, because one: she doesn't want to be alone, and two: she wants me as leverage to stay in the house as long as she wants to. The second one stings a little, but there's no avoiding the truth in it.
Anyways, all my stuff is packed up. I'm a little panicky about it, because my dad had half of it done before I even got down there, and my music is scattered from-here-to-infinity-and-inaccessibility, but at the same time it's exciting, because the next time I see it, I'll be in my own digs. Even my blessed Lucifer is packed up. Wow. I guess it didn't seriously hit me until today though. I knew I was moving, but I guess I also knew that I could get majorly fucked over if I put too much weight into the thing while things were so up in the air after Grandma died. And I suppose I wasn't letting myself believe it because Godzilla seemed so bent and determined to get her way, that I assumed she would.
My mother and I were trying to enforce this whole idea of me going too, earlier, with Godzilla, and my mom kept saying "she just wants to spread her wings and go..." (all the good cliches, you know?) and I stopped and thought for a moment that it was funny because out of all the years that I've wanted to move out on my own, it was never simply for the reason of "I want to grow up now". There was always some other reason to do it, mostly focussing around me being miserable or something else. I haven't even sat down and said to myself ever that "it's time to grow up now. Let's go be an adult and do adult things".
I guess the funniest thing is that I've never thought about my own growth that much. I know I reflect on the ways I've changed, but I always seem to be reflecting, and not necessarily looking at "things yet to grow into, as I consult the 'how people grow' almanac". I mean, I do, but I look at the things I have yet to do, not the way I will become. But, if I know I'm a good person now, I'm hoping I'll just continue to become a better person.
Interesting thing to think about: I for one, think you start out as a terrible being, and become a better person as you age (like a fine wine). Others think you start out amazing, and become more terrible as you age (mouldy yogurt). I don't need to tell you how, we are all intelligent. But is it either, or both? Or neither? ¶ 12:49 AM
Went for dinner with Bento and his parents tonight, and got to see the new digs. Very Awesome. The place is small, but it reeks of character. I love it.
Speaking of which, I packed up all my stuff today. Godzilla had a big roaring conniption though, on the basis that she had been interpreting all my purposely non-committal "maybe's" and "we'll see's" (replies deliberately given because I didn't want to make her cry--I wanted my dad to do my dirty work) as "Oh boy, you bet I will" in regards to moving in back here at the end of the summer, and staying here for the summer. Uncomfortable and awkward, because one: she doesn't want to be alone, and two: she wants me as leverage to stay in the house as long as she wants to. The second one stings a little, but there's no avoiding the truth in it.
Anyways, all my stuff is packed up. I'm a little panicky about it, because my dad had half of it done before I even got down there, and my music is scattered from-here-to-infinity-and-inaccessibility, but at the same time it's exciting, because the next time I see it, I'll be in my own digs. Even my blessed Lucifer is packed up. Wow. I guess it didn't seriously hit me until today though. I knew I was moving, but I guess I also knew that I could get majorly fucked over if I put too much weight into the thing while things were so up in the air after Grandma died. And I suppose I wasn't letting myself believe it because Godzilla seemed so bent and determined to get her way, that I assumed she would.
My mother and I were trying to enforce this whole idea of me going too, earlier, with Godzilla, and my mom kept saying "she just wants to spread her wings and go..." (all the good cliches, you know?) and I stopped and thought for a moment that it was funny because out of all the years that I've wanted to move out on my own, it was never simply for the reason of "I want to grow up now". There was always some other reason to do it, mostly focussing around me being miserable or something else. I haven't even sat down and said to myself ever that "it's time to grow up now. Let's go be an adult and do adult things".
I guess the funniest thing is that I've never thought about my own growth that much. I know I reflect on the ways I've changed, but I always seem to be reflecting, and not necessarily looking at "things yet to grow into, as I consult the 'how people grow' almanac". I mean, I do, but I look at the things I have yet to do, not the way I will become. But, if I know I'm a good person now, I'm hoping I'll just continue to become a better person.
Interesting thing to think about: I for one, think you start out as a terrible being, and become a better person as you age (like a fine wine). Others think you start out amazing, and become more terrible as you age (mouldy yogurt). I don't need to tell you how, we are all intelligent. But is it either, or both? Or neither? ¶ 12:49 AM
