New bad "Ahh....I don't know why I put my friends through such lengths sometimes (ie- taking the 9 and meeting my sorry ass downtown for a grand hour to convince me not to do something incredibly stupid, and then heading home again, as I walk around the corner and take the bus to go do something stupid anyways.) I could have helped it. My curiousity got the better of me and I couldn't curb it. I should have though."

Vague enough beginning?

I went and saw the little-talked about Vespa boy yesterday for the first time in two years. It was something that Fenton tried to talk me out of (very valiantly) and yet....the curiousity of how he was doing just kept picking at me, along with the feelings of guilt for just out and out dodging a situation that I created (ie- it was me who invited him out for coffee), and possibly hurting his feelings.

So I took the bus to his house, and I have to say, there is a neighborhood just south of 111th ave that is absolutely beautiful. It's sort of a rough neighborhood, but still really pretty and just "hidden". It's sort of surprising when you stumble across it.

Making a long story short, we caught up with each other eventually at his apartment and hung out. He's always saving kids from his hometown it seems, so the latest two refugees are twin boys from his old highschool in BC. They're fairly nice, though a little immature.

So here's my conundrum: We did kiss. And he did tell me that he wanted to be with me and asked me out on a date. And he can give me what I would want in someone...but that's just it. Wants and needs are different, and you can't have wants and not meet needs (ie- intellectual equality, killer sense of humor, etc.). I don't have this big huge list of needs that are retarded though.

What I think is going to happen, is that I'm going to give this some time, and see what's what, and whether this is going to work. And of course, going with that, I will exercise some self-discipline.

This vacation is going to be good for me in that last regard I think, (to a certain degree), because I didn't realize until yesterday how incredibly frazzled I was from school and EVERYTHING else. I couldn't even think straight. I still don't think I am, or that I have been for the last week or so. I just have to sit in the sun, and not think, for a week. And if I do think, it will be to organize myself and get it all together. A lot of things have been suffering lately for me- namely my interpersonal relationships (as is probably horribly evident), my inability to gain closure on pointless pursuits, my grandmother, man, my grandmother... and just all this shit that I have to do.

I have to tell my aunt that I am moving out with Fenton yet, because she doesn't know, and has been starting to suggest "plans." My parents have told me not to tell her, but like, I'm going to have to, or else I'm going to get cornered into something I don't want to do.

I have to get all my shit in line for IPT and APT, which is a fucking stupid and long drawn out bureaucratic process apparently. Also, register for my courses in time, which apparently, I should have done two weeks ago.

I have to make enough money that I can move out. We have to find a place.

I have two weddings to also buy gifts for (that wonderful "nothing less then $100 in value" rule". Fuck...)

Pass EDPY 416. I hate the course, the coursematter, and I could probably fail it if I don't get my shit together.

I am slowly starting to lose my marbles. The thing I'm worried about the most right now is reverting into this old cycle I was stuck in two years ago. But I will remain proper and do this thing with Vespa boy right, even if it kills him.  ¶ 5:49 PM