Realizing falsehoods. I'm at this point right now, where I'm getting in on my own joke. That I haven't been understanding why I've been being the way I've been for the last two weeks, and today, I just sort of "got it."

You stupid fuck...you're lying through your teeth! If you were really honest, you'd say, "the last thing I want to do right now, is hang around people that don't have anything to say, and cover it up by saying lots of nothing. And then, talk about all the nothing that he/she said, later, to another person because you feel their nothings are better to hear then your somethings that are depressing as hell."

See, and this makes me out as "shithead" because "you feel like you can't fucking tell us anything?" And it's not that I can't--it's that I don't prefer to. This right here is fine. You read it, and we don't have to talk about it, and you still gain an understanding, unwanted, unnoticed, or otherwise.

I will mention though that I'm tired of not being simple. Of trying too hard to seem complicated. Because I'm not like that. I'm not the all-singing, all dancing, all knowleable and witty ...something...of the world. I enjoy moments, and things that attach themselves to them. I don't enjoy criticism, or being criticized, or criticizing other people unconstructively because I feel the need to catch up and not be stomped on.

I like being nice and happy and wonderbar.

I'm in this space right now however that's sort of confusing. I'm over that guy, completely. But it's been so long that I'm starting to look around and go, "huh? Now what? Do I do something now? Or do I really want to?" I don't really want to though, so I'm stuck in this space where I try to be invisible, and all of a sudden find out that I don't have to.

Fuckbuddies are popping up from all over the place. One even has a Vespa. And I don't want any of them, though they continue to dog me. Right now I don't feel like I want anything from anyone except for absolute silence and maybe being held.

Godzilla started to cry over the dishwasher yesterday, because "she didn't tell me how to wash the electric air filters." It just keeps hitting me over and over that she's not on vacation. She's actually gone forever.

Mum and Dad are back from BC tomorrow. Back to the couch.

  ¶ 1:56 AM