Infirmities. Move along, there's nothing left to see. I have found that recently, my life has been comprised of only a few elements.

I have spent much of my time being quiet and in my head, like I've been starved for these moments of quiet solitude on my own. It's day dreaming, but it's not either. I have been sitting down abruptly and wondering what I'm doing with my life, and wondering if I have enough time to stop and think about the path that it is taking, and whether or not I'm handling that wheel that steers me down the path, or it is set on cruise control.

Too much of our lives are spent filling the air with talk that is meaningless. I have realized that it is a uniquely Western thing, this thing we call phatic communion, and have been wondering about the value of words as due course of this abuse. I mean, the greatest moments I have shared with some have not involved words. Or sex, just as a clarifying aside.

I had all these worries at the beginning of the week, about money, school, friends who serve as their own worst enemies, performance, lack thereof...and I've found that they are no longer here, which is the biggest worry. I feel like I'm looking at a busy horizon, like I'm displaced from it, and all I'm doing to participate is widening my eyes blankly, though never wide enough that I can fully take it all in. Pure unadulturated apathy. I feel like I'm just around too many people, and that it is becoming something forced to be involved in the daily fracas of what we do. It doesn't mean I love anyone less, it just means that I'd rather be at home walking around in the woods by myself right now and getting away from this overpopulated dirty mess of a place.

And then there is the contradiction to the whole thing. The rub. I have not been touched, like truly touched, in a long time. I have my odd instillments of hugs from Bento, which shouldn't really even bear mentioning, but the fact that I have not been just held by anyone in a long time is weighing on me. I have good friends who love me, but no one here that I could just sit quietly and rest my head on their shoulder
with. Although, it isn't incredibly strange either. I've never had friends that see eye to eye with me on physical comfort levels.

I've found that the longer I sit down and stare at the details in any given spot where I am standing, on a visual level, the more I need to remove myself from what stresses surround me. This attention to detail, always feels like I'm trying to lose myself with visions and knowlege I don't need to know-- it serves as some very strange escapism, to fill my head with an intricate picture of a cracked and muddy sidewalk, over say, the elements of classroom management.

I'm in love with Com Lag right now, which doesn't help much. All it makes me want to do is blot out and watch the world go by with a beautiful soundtrack-- without me in it.

The screening was tonight. Our movie was extremely beautiful, continuance errors and all. People seem to be concerned about minimal visuals of Elaugh, but really....it doesn't matter to me. She had a fun day. That mattered. The barn scenes were beautiful though. For the whole week waiting to see the final product, I kept thinking about that footage in the barn, with the flecks of dust and straw floating in the sun shining through the slats. It was quite an amazing place.

I think I've been in a weird place lately. Hence no posts, and no real good people skillz, or great moments of Emerson-isms lately. I'm beginning to be exhausted by all of this.  ¶ 12:33 AM