Friday, November 04, 2005
Get in touch with your inner red neck.
Today has been an interesting day. Waking up angry and confused is never a good thing, but that boat has since sailed into a happy sunset, which is a huge relief. Too many unspoken things piling up is not healthy for anyone.
I'm having a hard time with my assignments. Getting started. Showing motivation. Showing concern. All of these little things are just pushing me away from them rather than pulling me up like they might have, say, a month ago, when I wasn't embittered with the faculty. But that said, the faculty doesn't care if I'm embittered or not, and I've known that all along. Must do the work. But it's so hard to just look at it without having my eyes dry up at this point.
I have to do a self-reflective essay, ten pages, on my current teaching philosphy. And a lesson plan, and more reflection on my botched Bosch class, as well as finish this report card project.
It's so intangible- that bugs me. Everything we've done, has been incredibly hypothetical, so where do you go from that when you're talking about your current teaching philosophy, when all you have to base on that "experience-wise" is one week of sitting at the back of a classroom and just observing, though you were itching to just jump in there and take over?
Also...I keep thinking about balancing myself out. I need to be intellectually stimulated. Sometimes I need to be able to be the anti-thesis of it. It's finding the middle-ground that is proving to be difficult.
Lastly...I've realized a little of my own self-hypocrisy lately (ha...actually had it pointed out) in regards to margins of my life. I realize that they will always be there, but that I'm going to be in a fair bit of DOOM if my boyfriend doesn't get inside of that margin in my head. I am working on it though, and I am getting better. It's bad though, because I don't realize I've just been incredibly insensitive to something unaccessible to me, until it's too late and I've gone and mashed some feelings. It's just funny though, because the hypocrisy comes in that I try and make all these efforts to be knowlegeable about things that are/were "beyond me", but I do it with lean in the opposite direction of where Napoleon's experiences (in all their "foreigness") lie. It's like instead of turning right (I realize the directions are weighted with metaphorical complication, but don't pay attention to that) to find the outside of my "circumferance", I've just been going full ahead left. It's funny, because by being willing to consider what I think are "all things", I've still left out so much. Not just Napoleon's experiences, but that whole other side of the circle.
So my realization of what the problem is, is very basic. I have this idea of what "good" is, and this idea of what "bad" is, and then that gray zone is deemed "acceptable". But the problem lies in my own definitions of "good" and "bad", which is where marginality plays in. ¶ 4:10 PM
Today has been an interesting day. Waking up angry and confused is never a good thing, but that boat has since sailed into a happy sunset, which is a huge relief. Too many unspoken things piling up is not healthy for anyone. I'm having a hard time with my assignments. Getting started. Showing motivation. Showing concern. All of these little things are just pushing me away from them rather than pulling me up like they might have, say, a month ago, when I wasn't embittered with the faculty. But that said, the faculty doesn't care if I'm embittered or not, and I've known that all along. Must do the work. But it's so hard to just look at it without having my eyes dry up at this point.
I have to do a self-reflective essay, ten pages, on my current teaching philosphy. And a lesson plan, and more reflection on my botched Bosch class, as well as finish this report card project.
It's so intangible- that bugs me. Everything we've done, has been incredibly hypothetical, so where do you go from that when you're talking about your current teaching philosophy, when all you have to base on that "experience-wise" is one week of sitting at the back of a classroom and just observing, though you were itching to just jump in there and take over?
Also...I keep thinking about balancing myself out. I need to be intellectually stimulated. Sometimes I need to be able to be the anti-thesis of it. It's finding the middle-ground that is proving to be difficult.
Lastly...I've realized a little of my own self-hypocrisy lately (ha...actually had it pointed out) in regards to margins of my life. I realize that they will always be there, but that I'm going to be in a fair bit of DOOM if my boyfriend doesn't get inside of that margin in my head. I am working on it though, and I am getting better. It's bad though, because I don't realize I've just been incredibly insensitive to something unaccessible to me, until it's too late and I've gone and mashed some feelings. It's just funny though, because the hypocrisy comes in that I try and make all these efforts to be knowlegeable about things that are/were "beyond me", but I do it with lean in the opposite direction of where Napoleon's experiences (in all their "foreigness") lie. It's like instead of turning right (I realize the directions are weighted with metaphorical complication, but don't pay attention to that) to find the outside of my "circumferance", I've just been going full ahead left. It's funny, because by being willing to consider what I think are "all things", I've still left out so much. Not just Napoleon's experiences, but that whole other side of the circle.
So my realization of what the problem is, is very basic. I have this idea of what "good" is, and this idea of what "bad" is, and then that gray zone is deemed "acceptable". But the problem lies in my own definitions of "good" and "bad", which is where marginality plays in. ¶ 4:10 PM
