Sunday, December 04, 2005
Black old sun, black old son, come take away the pain, black old sun won't you come, won't you come
I'm so exasperated with everything right now. I'm tired of being "target girl", I'm TIRED of being "target girl", I'm tired of being the brunt of things for everyone, and I'm tired of coming home, and I am tired of having this feeling that I should not go home. I will however, endeavor to stay out of my house for as much as possible in the next...until I move out.
I tried to remember yesterday when the last time I'd lived in a place that was consistantly good and healthy to live, and it turns out it was like six years ago. I started wondering if this was me being a poophead and unable to cope or find the positives, but the fact of the matter is that the only reason I've toughed out the last six years, has been because I could do that. I know...poor me, lol, but it's just weird. I've had a very weird day.
At about one o'clock today, the Square started blaring Shania Twain window-shakingly loud on the rink speakers, and since where I live is so high, it was massively distorted and weird. All in preperation for bright nights (I saw some of the fireworks from the store later). I also saw a fluorescant pink ferrari, and have inadvertantly been sticking my foot in my mouth all day, such as calling Fenton's dad an asshole (again, inadvertantly, and I apologised- I like his dad), and saying something along the lines of "being trite, in a humorous way," to a sort of depressed girl in the store.
I am such a superstar.
I have to have a midpoint evaluation to show for tomorrow, as well as be perky and bushytailed. I don't know if I can hack that, but I'll try. I have this immense diatribe about how school's been going in a saved post- I'll get around to finishing it and publishing tomorrow. If I'm still alive<-- see, that sounds ominous, but it's not. I keep having waking nightmares about certain people killing me lately, it's tres strange, and my dreams...well, that's crazy talk. Nevermind.
I'm feeling really angry right now. It's just been this slow burn all day, though I think I've been working up to it for a while. I know this is pretty livejournal, but no one reads this shizzat anymore anyways. But yeah, angry, defeated, and just completely apathetic.
Good news is, I can pay my rent now, and all other debts. Might leave me scrimping a little for the next week or so, but at least I'll have the debt demons out of my hair. Hopefully permanently, if all goes to plan.
I got to hang out with Radpants yesterday, albeit briefly, but it was good to see her. There was talk of a road trip in the summer, which would be fucking cool. Also talk of sentimental vials of sand and cigarette butts in the mail from Singapore. Awww.... ¶ 11:48 PM
I tried to remember yesterday when the last time I'd lived in a place that was consistantly good and healthy to live, and it turns out it was like six years ago. I started wondering if this was me being a poophead and unable to cope or find the positives, but the fact of the matter is that the only reason I've toughed out the last six years, has been because I could do that. I know...poor me, lol, but it's just weird. I've had a very weird day.
At about one o'clock today, the Square started blaring Shania Twain window-shakingly loud on the rink speakers, and since where I live is so high, it was massively distorted and weird. All in preperation for bright nights (I saw some of the fireworks from the store later). I also saw a fluorescant pink ferrari, and have inadvertantly been sticking my foot in my mouth all day, such as calling Fenton's dad an asshole (again, inadvertantly, and I apologised- I like his dad), and saying something along the lines of "being trite, in a humorous way," to a sort of depressed girl in the store.
I am such a superstar.
I have to have a midpoint evaluation to show for tomorrow, as well as be perky and bushytailed. I don't know if I can hack that, but I'll try. I have this immense diatribe about how school's been going in a saved post- I'll get around to finishing it and publishing tomorrow. If I'm still alive<-- see, that sounds ominous, but it's not. I keep having waking nightmares about certain people killing me lately, it's tres strange, and my dreams...well, that's crazy talk. Nevermind.
I'm feeling really angry right now. It's just been this slow burn all day, though I think I've been working up to it for a while. I know this is pretty livejournal, but no one reads this shizzat anymore anyways. But yeah, angry, defeated, and just completely apathetic.
Good news is, I can pay my rent now, and all other debts. Might leave me scrimping a little for the next week or so, but at least I'll have the debt demons out of my hair. Hopefully permanently, if all goes to plan.
I got to hang out with Radpants yesterday, albeit briefly, but it was good to see her. There was talk of a road trip in the summer, which would be fucking cool. Also talk of sentimental vials of sand and cigarette butts in the mail from Singapore. Awww.... ¶ 11:48 PM
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uh that song is pretty much not 'black old sun' but 'black hole sun'. it was a big deal in 1996 when people cared about soundgarden
# posted by 
: 12:07 AM
: 12:07 AM
you are feeling angry, well atleast you have feelings. I was on the bus this morning, looking out of the window and i got a hit of reality to my mind. for the first time in a while i realized that i am alive. sure it seems like it is a moot (sp?) point or that it is fucking obvious that i am not dead, but then the thoughts of what it is to be me, in this world and really what i bring to it. I wondered. all these thoughts brings a host of emotions from discust to pride. i wasnt sure if i should laugh, cry or put my fist through the window.
so i just sat there, staring into nothingness. I am slowly starting to realize that my life is worth nothing. Not that i dont enjoy it. i find myself in the best of situations sometime and realtivly speaking my life is pretty "good". and i am guessing i am radiating the fact that i am a "nice" person. but what is the point.
i am not angry, nor am i sad. i am happy just so people dont ask questions. and i am only content when i am by myself.
at least you are angry.
so i just sat there, staring into nothingness. I am slowly starting to realize that my life is worth nothing. Not that i dont enjoy it. i find myself in the best of situations sometime and realtivly speaking my life is pretty "good". and i am guessing i am radiating the fact that i am a "nice" person. but what is the point.
i am not angry, nor am i sad. i am happy just so people dont ask questions. and i am only content when i am by myself.
at least you are angry.
# posted by : 1:17 PM
: 1:17 PM
Unforutately, I'm not sure if it's just anger, or it's more akin to what you are feeling Vasyl. I feel completely overwhelmed to the point of not caring almost. I got my ass nailed to the wall today at school. I have to do a 180 degree about face with my teaching skillz, or I'm going to have the shittiest review ever in my file if I want to become a teacher. I'm going to get cancer and die. I have no self confidence. My roommate, as much as I love him, drives me up the wall with inconsiderateness, and so on, and so on, and so on.
Today on the bus, I was thinking the same thing you were.
Even scarier...that the only thing I really would be good at, like really amazing at, is raising my own children, and that perhaps, that is what I should do instead of making something of a $50, 000 endeavor that has ended up with me crashing and burning over classroom management, and my inability to keep a group of grade nine kids "focussed."
As for Sour Grapes McFerguson up there .... Soundgarden was not the original composer of that song. Nor do I really give a fuck if the lyric was correct or not. It suited my purpose to alter it, and then....and then... I got on with my day. Will you?
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Today on the bus, I was thinking the same thing you were.
Even scarier...that the only thing I really would be good at, like really amazing at, is raising my own children, and that perhaps, that is what I should do instead of making something of a $50, 000 endeavor that has ended up with me crashing and burning over classroom management, and my inability to keep a group of grade nine kids "focussed."
As for Sour Grapes McFerguson up there .... Soundgarden was not the original composer of that song. Nor do I really give a fuck if the lyric was correct or not. It suited my purpose to alter it, and then....and then... I got on with my day. Will you?
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