Sunday, December 11, 2005
Lurking melancholia
In result of withdrawing from my IPT, I've been feeling a lot of things. Initially, I was really lost and confused, but now that I know what I am going to do, I feel better. Actually, I felt pretty darn good until I realized I'd still have to redo the damn thing to do what I wanted to do. But, I had this sudden realization that part of the reason I did so poorly at it this time around, was because my mind and my character just wasn't "there".
I think intrinsically right now, that I knew that I wasn't being a "good" enough person to waltz in there and start teaching kids. I have been known to associate with the odd hallucinogenic, I have been drinking a lot lately, and etcetera. These stupid things, coupled with my own acknowlegement that they are dumb things to do when you're trying to be an educator, were weighing on my conscience heavily. Adversely, that subliminally dragged me down. I wasn't trying as hard as I should have been, because I was starting to believe I wasn't a good enough person to do this...and it bothers me now that I wasn't trying. For wanting to do this so bad, I wasn't trying hard enough at all, and my heart totally was not there all the way at all. It wasn't that I didn't enjoy being there, it was that I still felt so chewed up from the courseload and expectations of the semester prior to the practicum, and stressed....really stressed. I didn't have much downtime, and my sleeping habits have been terrible. Plus, I didn't honestly think it would be that hard, I think I kind of expected it would come naturally to me. And sometimes it did-- I had a lot of shining moments in my practicum, but I started the whole thing out on a high note of anxiety, and it never really stopped. I had a much shorter leash to begin with to work with than any of my other school ST counterparts. They were at least in their minors, teaching kids who didn't have to do PATs in January, with ONE mentor teacher. I had two. Grade nines who had PATs up-and-coming-fast, and was teaching my major for 80% of the time. And I wasn't dealing. I dreaded getting up there. I hated the material, had no leniency with the material (Because of PATS), and was too afraid of forgetting something to just loosen up and be myself.
I do still have to attempt this again. But holy fuck, this year has almost been a complete write-off for me, I think. The good news is that I checked my grades, and I got all Bs, except for Mr. A's fucking assessment class. D-. Ouch. ¶ 1:43 AM
I think intrinsically right now, that I knew that I wasn't being a "good" enough person to waltz in there and start teaching kids. I have been known to associate with the odd hallucinogenic, I have been drinking a lot lately, and etcetera. These stupid things, coupled with my own acknowlegement that they are dumb things to do when you're trying to be an educator, were weighing on my conscience heavily. Adversely, that subliminally dragged me down. I wasn't trying as hard as I should have been, because I was starting to believe I wasn't a good enough person to do this...and it bothers me now that I wasn't trying. For wanting to do this so bad, I wasn't trying hard enough at all, and my heart totally was not there all the way at all. It wasn't that I didn't enjoy being there, it was that I still felt so chewed up from the courseload and expectations of the semester prior to the practicum, and stressed....really stressed. I didn't have much downtime, and my sleeping habits have been terrible. Plus, I didn't honestly think it would be that hard, I think I kind of expected it would come naturally to me. And sometimes it did-- I had a lot of shining moments in my practicum, but I started the whole thing out on a high note of anxiety, and it never really stopped. I had a much shorter leash to begin with to work with than any of my other school ST counterparts. They were at least in their minors, teaching kids who didn't have to do PATs in January, with ONE mentor teacher. I had two. Grade nines who had PATs up-and-coming-fast, and was teaching my major for 80% of the time. And I wasn't dealing. I dreaded getting up there. I hated the material, had no leniency with the material (Because of PATS), and was too afraid of forgetting something to just loosen up and be myself.
I do still have to attempt this again. But holy fuck, this year has almost been a complete write-off for me, I think. The good news is that I checked my grades, and I got all Bs, except for Mr. A's fucking assessment class. D-. Ouch. ¶ 1:43 AM
