Sunday, January 15, 2006
I hope you are have a cruddy time.
You know...I'm starting to wonder if I just wonder too much, and do too little. It dawned on me today that I've pretty much almost lost the ability to stand up and defend myself, and I don't know how that happened, or whether this is a consistent thing or whether I'm just always too tired. This has been frustrating me a little bit lately- the fear of being a coward, even though by all means, I probably am a coward anyways.
Writing plans....I am going to be writing lots of writing plans soon. I'm excited to get started. The idea of a routine/self imposed alone time to do it, is still really appealing.
It's been a busy weekend. And way too short.
The whole pool thing was sort of a bomb, which I feel badly about. I had not predicted that levels of suck would be that high, and that the temperature was in fact, that low. I thought it was just me I guess, who thought it was cold in there. Throw in an age gap occurring in the group of 15-21 years, and no sleep on behalf of the loverly hostess, and voila-- it stank horrifically.
I think the thing that bothered me the most, is that I don't like being responsible for kids that are family members. There is no escaping the bawdy-wheel-o-gossip-and-condemnation, especially, in the last ten minutes of your "visit" when a ten year old runs off down the stairs because he's terrified of technology, and has a full-on scream-o panic attack in the parkade. You don't bring the kid to his parents who are looking at you like you've just shot heroin, dropped a speedball, and then lectured on evolution with them, but the security guard does, right when you say, "you know...I wonder if he got lost?"
So maybe I don't like being responsible for other people's kids, period. This doesn't mean I don't like kids, but I DO like hanging around kids that are ultimately being fed, clothed, and roofed, by other people, so I can just sit back and appreciate their personalities and how much fun they are. And it has nothing to do with me not wanting kids in the future or anything, it has to do with, "your kids are so fucked up, and here I am, pretending like they're not fucked up, and accomodating the mistakes you have made with them, that reflect themselves in the behavior of your children, that I cannot change or ease, because I don't have enough time."
I'm pretty sure that it's thoughts like those that make me a bad person. And slightly neurotic/and/or retarded. I don't know. By the age of nine, I had a lot of independence, so I guess the bottom line is that I'm genuinely dumbstruck when I see kids that are not like that. See? Terrible.
They say now, that if you let your kids leave the yard and get scrapes on their knees or dirt in their fingernails, that they'll probably get tetanus, or ground worms...or worse...rabies.[1]
I feel devoid of things to say. I had a good idea for an opinion article though, shockingly. However, it is viva l'election right now, so it would not even be worth pursuing.
[1] Sarcasm-- endo! ¶ 11:16 PM
You know...I'm starting to wonder if I just wonder too much, and do too little. It dawned on me today that I've pretty much almost lost the ability to stand up and defend myself, and I don't know how that happened, or whether this is a consistent thing or whether I'm just always too tired. This has been frustrating me a little bit lately- the fear of being a coward, even though by all means, I probably am a coward anyways.
Writing plans....I am going to be writing lots of writing plans soon. I'm excited to get started. The idea of a routine/self imposed alone time to do it, is still really appealing.
It's been a busy weekend. And way too short.
The whole pool thing was sort of a bomb, which I feel badly about. I had not predicted that levels of suck would be that high, and that the temperature was in fact, that low. I thought it was just me I guess, who thought it was cold in there. Throw in an age gap occurring in the group of 15-21 years, and no sleep on behalf of the loverly hostess, and voila-- it stank horrifically.
I think the thing that bothered me the most, is that I don't like being responsible for kids that are family members. There is no escaping the bawdy-wheel-o-gossip-and-condemnation, especially, in the last ten minutes of your "visit" when a ten year old runs off down the stairs because he's terrified of technology, and has a full-on scream-o panic attack in the parkade. You don't bring the kid to his parents who are looking at you like you've just shot heroin, dropped a speedball, and then lectured on evolution with them, but the security guard does, right when you say, "you know...I wonder if he got lost?"
So maybe I don't like being responsible for other people's kids, period. This doesn't mean I don't like kids, but I DO like hanging around kids that are ultimately being fed, clothed, and roofed, by other people, so I can just sit back and appreciate their personalities and how much fun they are. And it has nothing to do with me not wanting kids in the future or anything, it has to do with, "your kids are so fucked up, and here I am, pretending like they're not fucked up, and accomodating the mistakes you have made with them, that reflect themselves in the behavior of your children, that I cannot change or ease, because I don't have enough time."
I'm pretty sure that it's thoughts like those that make me a bad person. And slightly neurotic/and/or retarded. I don't know. By the age of nine, I had a lot of independence, so I guess the bottom line is that I'm genuinely dumbstruck when I see kids that are not like that. See? Terrible.
They say now, that if you let your kids leave the yard and get scrapes on their knees or dirt in their fingernails, that they'll probably get tetanus, or ground worms...or worse...rabies.[1]
I feel devoid of things to say. I had a good idea for an opinion article though, shockingly. However, it is viva l'election right now, so it would not even be worth pursuing.
[1] Sarcasm-- endo! ¶ 11:16 PM
