Monday, May 08, 2006
I see the world
I'm honestly feeling a little bummed out right now [Insert Livejournal link here].
I'm bummed because I will actually miss my old curmudgeon of a roommate when he leaves. And I'm afraid that after he leaves, that this will be it. We will have had all this time together, where our friendship became tenuous, and then have no time at all after that to want to, or try, to repair it.
I'm bummed because I know I've dug myself into a hole of doing waaay too much for the next five weeks. But, I'm bummed that I'm bummed, because I know I have to do it, and the end result will be much better for me than not doing three jobs and two spring/summer sessions.
I'm bummed because I think I've been disillusioning myself as to how "thrilling and fun" this typography course will be...how relevent it "really" is, and that I'm shelling out $1037.00 to do it.
And then, I'm depressed about something, and I don't know what it is. I think it has to do with how I always seem to be waiting for something to happen. I do all this stuff (which never seems to be enough and makes me think I'm still lazy) to get me to that point of where I feel like "something's happening", and nothing does. I'm so impatient to get to the point of where I can just toss pragmatism aside and start doing what I want to do, and stop being a whiny bitch about never having the time to do that.
I just want to paint. And write. Those were my original goals of this summer--much simpler than last summer, but I had those goals, and now, I don't foresee them happening. I wonder how long this current painting sits on the easel until I get to do something with it at a time when it isn't enormously impractical to be working on it.
And yet after all this superficial complaining, there is still this completely intangible aspect of being depressed that I can't put my finger on that worries me. Because really, I know that all this stuff is just petty, and it will work out in the end, but something about life is saddening me, and it's not just a Johnny Cash cover of "Desperado." ¶ 1:24 AM
I'm honestly feeling a little bummed out right now [Insert Livejournal link here].I'm bummed because I will actually miss my old curmudgeon of a roommate when he leaves. And I'm afraid that after he leaves, that this will be it. We will have had all this time together, where our friendship became tenuous, and then have no time at all after that to want to, or try, to repair it.
I'm bummed because I know I've dug myself into a hole of doing waaay too much for the next five weeks. But, I'm bummed that I'm bummed, because I know I have to do it, and the end result will be much better for me than not doing three jobs and two spring/summer sessions.
I'm bummed because I think I've been disillusioning myself as to how "thrilling and fun" this typography course will be...how relevent it "really" is, and that I'm shelling out $1037.00 to do it.
And then, I'm depressed about something, and I don't know what it is. I think it has to do with how I always seem to be waiting for something to happen. I do all this stuff (which never seems to be enough and makes me think I'm still lazy) to get me to that point of where I feel like "something's happening", and nothing does. I'm so impatient to get to the point of where I can just toss pragmatism aside and start doing what I want to do, and stop being a whiny bitch about never having the time to do that.
I just want to paint. And write. Those were my original goals of this summer--much simpler than last summer, but I had those goals, and now, I don't foresee them happening. I wonder how long this current painting sits on the easel until I get to do something with it at a time when it isn't enormously impractical to be working on it.
And yet after all this superficial complaining, there is still this completely intangible aspect of being depressed that I can't put my finger on that worries me. Because really, I know that all this stuff is just petty, and it will work out in the end, but something about life is saddening me, and it's not just a Johnny Cash cover of "Desperado." ¶ 1:24 AM
